Celebrities who live in Glass Closets.

This was written in response to something a friend wrote in her blog. Paraphrased, it said: She wishes [a certain celebrity] would come out publicly. [they] have been spotted at various gay-rights/marriage-equality events with [their] partner, but [they] have never actively confirmed or denied any allegations about [their] sexuality. She implied, that as a celebrity, it was [their] duty to come out because it would inspire young LGBTQQA people to come out too. 


***This was my irrelevant and completely useless reply***


I have a story to share.

My first exposure to gay anything was the Russian duet TATU and their "All the Things She Said" lesbian make-out video. Even then, I had to google what it meant and then found out about gay people. I was watching one of their videos on TV and my mum came in and said "Aren't they lesbians?" and I just shook my head dumbfounded. Not because I thought it was wrong, more because I used to be uncomfortable talking about any kind of sexual orientation with my parents... I didn't grow up in a "Gay people are sinners" environment, in case you didn't notice, I didn't even know the word Gay meant something other than "happy" till I was like 14-ish... I didn't care either which way. I had no stand on the issue. It didn't matter to me.

Fast forward a few years. I don't know when I became an Ally, I think it happened after I came to the U.S., I became immensely passionate about gay-rights and LGBTQQA issues. My ideologies about human sexuality changed. I wasn't going to lie that I had never been attracted to a woman, maybe it wasn't the same kind of attraction or the same intensity of attraction I had towards a man, but it still existed, however small and negligible. I think society does default the "straight" label. Which is why I gave it up, even though, I might not actually be queer.

Why did I give up the security blanket? Because my bigot of a brother had the AUDACITY to say "If you're a lesbian, don't bring your girlfriend home." and I had the audacity to think that "Thank God, I'm not!"... That was the day I dropped the label. I haven't taken a label, which is why I called myself "a version of queer"... From the first day I saw the TATU video, I thought, love is love- even though it was a bit of a shocker. I was one of those shy, blushing and averting her eyes when anyone kissed on TV kinda girls, though.

I am in a Social Issues Theater ensemble, and one of the characters I'm playing right now is gay and she says "This is a tough one, being gay that is. Well, it doesn't have to be. Society makes it harder, Parents make it harder, YOU make it harder on yourself."

I think we expect too much out of celebrities. Just because they are in the public eye, it doesn't mean that they are obligated to fulfill a social responsibility but coming out to the world! It isn't the world's goddamn business in the first place.

Maybe I'm just one of those special little kids who grew up thinking love can't be wrong. I mean, my brother is a damn bigot and we grew up in the same household. I come from a country where being gay is still punishable by law, and lived in many where being gay will get you executed. Maybe I'm just full of love because I never had anyone share it with and think it is pure. I don't know.

I wish I had answers to why people are the way they are about the issue. I wish I did. I might not even be queer and I'm still proud and sort of out (If someone asks me, I'll tell them what I think straight up (no pun intended :P), but I don't go around telling people that)... I just don't understand hatred because the people who hate are followers of God, and I cannot see God, if he/she/it does exist, hating anyone or anything because of who/what they/it are/is.

♥


I think my point was that I think people lean too much on celebrities. I think sometimes it is a very big burden for them to bear. Not all of them are the sharpest tools in the box. We give them this social burden just because they are in the public eye. But really, honestly speaking, they owe us nothing. They are not obligated to uphold the social responsiblity we give them.

Its like the thing someone said about stigmas. [if we want being gay NOT to be some kind of stigma we have to stop acting like it is.]

I don't know why [certain celebrities] exist in the glass closet. Maybe it really does have to do with [them] being private [people] mixed with the fact that his career matters. I think the U.S. is a very charged place. There is so much hatred in the air it is stifling.

It was called the land of opportunity and freedom. Now its a cesspool, festering with hatred. And I think that is society's fault.

I'm not trying to deny the fact that we do lean on celebrities. That if they came out, it would be easier for insecure/scare/worried gay kids to come out. It would. Which what I think is sad. I KNOW it is scary. I know that for some it would mean losing everything they have. All the love they've ever been given. I mean, risking "I'll love you no matter what you do" parents who turn their backs.

I think as long as [those certain celebrities are] out to those [they] cares about, it doesn't matter what [they] says to the media. [They're] out. Regardless of what we know, think or think we know.

But you know... Maybe that's just me.

I hope I didn't offend anyone who read my story. I know how mad some people get when someone says "I do not define my sexuality" She's gay. She's just ashamed of who she is. FUCK YOU (not you, just people who'd say that in general), IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU'D KNOW I'D BE A FUCKING PROUD LESBIAN AND I WOULD NOT BE ASHAMED TO SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS. But you know, I've never been in any sort of relationship (except one cesspool of emotional crap over the internet that I was guilted into. He was an asshole. I dumped his ass once I realized that just because he's depressed and said things like "I thought you were going to break up with me, All the way home I kept thinking about crashing my car and committing suicide" he wasn't really going to do it. AND that is was NOT good for my emotional, physical or mental health/stability) so what do I know?

Ai update

So my screen cannot be fixed by the time I leave.

This means that I'm probably going to get my mothers old laptop, ugh! It has no DVD/CD Drive. Which sucks dirty, scum and fungus covered balls.

Even though I re-counted and have enough money for a new one, my parents refuse to let me buy one. Goddamnitalltohellandbeyond! I'm twenty-fucking-one years old (almost)! WHY do I need their permission to do this again? Agreed, I'd rather keep the money and go to see the boys in NY, or the boys in LA (BigFantastic)... but it comes down to necessity! and right about now, Laptop trumps meeting either set of boys (although, I probably won't be allowed to go either place anyways)... D: This is one of the only two reason why I wish I was American. Although, it might not seem so, it really is the land of opportunities (for Americans at least)... D:

ETA: My parents are planning to sell all the old laptops (4) if we get a decent deal. I have no idea what that means for me though... I really really really don't want a Vista. But what the fuck, I won't complain. New is better than anything I would have gotten...

I wonder if I can convince my parents to split cost on a Mac with me. *ponders* ... I'll talk to my dad when they get back from their leadership conference (Oh Fuck! Saturday will be Lecture day!)

Ai went bust... :(

Ai quasi-died today. *cries*

His LCD is loose and no longer displays anything D:

This means I need to buy a new laptop :( I wanted to wait till Windows 7 came out but TPTB hate me and are out to get me... I really really really didn't want to change right now... *aaaarrrrggghhhh*... BTW, this means I won't be online on IM clients anymore... sorry guys. *hugs her peeps* I'm there with you in spirit though... and I'll try to be on LJ a little bit...

Damnit I hope I can afford a new one. School will be a pain in the rear end if I can't!!! *grrr*

Why have all my posts been so whiny lately? *whine* *whine* *whine*

D:
...

at least till I get a new/different laptop... D:

Argh!!

1) My parents still haven't given me complete access to my laptop... D:

2) My internet is shetbags

3) My being caught up with Fic-pride has made a complete 180 because at this rate, by the time I get back to school I will be so far behind on fic that I'm going to need an entire lifetime catch up...

4) My father recently told me that if I don't finish my undergrad in 4 years, he won't pay for the extra... In May we talked about this and he said that I could take 5 years if I wanted... I only wanted 4 1/2 years... but I guess that's not going to happen either, and there is no way that I can finish by May 2010!!! NO WAY WHATSOEVER!!

5) My acting dreams have turned to shite because of this new turn of events... D:

6) Network Marketing is making comeback in a huge way, Robert Kiyosaki, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet and etc. have often talked about its merits and it has now become an official course at both the University of Illinois... and other universities around the country... How interesting... now if only I could become more serious about it and actually work at it... especially since the network marketing company I am a representative of has amazingly awesome products like things called a biodiscs and chi pendants... D: and its not like its door-to-door salesmanship either... I just need to get off my fat arse... it could help with 4 and 5 if I actually worked at it... but my contract with ResLife prohibits me from actually doing anything about it... D:

7) I don't think I'm ready for my final road test... I'm confident, that's not the issue... its the fact that the damn car swerves so much... I'm certain I will be pulled over for breathalyzers every now and again whether or not I've actually been drinking... and I think my instructor doesn't trust my driving... I adore my driving :D

8) I need to catch up on three weeks worth of True Blood episodes (including this week's since I won't be able to watch it)

9) I want to go back to my dorm room in school, but I think living without a roommate will be intensely lonely, and I don't want to go back to the lonliness... not that it ever leaves me for more than two minutes...

10) My father wants me to invite one of his friend's sons to spend time with my brother and I... except I don't really want to...

11) I am so far behind on editting and update my fics that I am embarassed... I knew this would happen!!

For fear of my life and sanity...

To all my friends,

My father just threatened to both break my laptop and disown me. I nearly drew blood biting myself to keep from saying anything. Since I'm going to be here for another month, I have to do what I can to keep myself from going over the deep end that I thought I was miles and miles away from. Turns out, not so much. You can only be so happy before it comes and bites you in the ass and takes you by surprise. Don't worry. I'm working on holding onto vines in such a way that I can pull myself back up again...

I'll still try and post my mediocre stories for the love you all give me for it (I'm an attention whore and I love being loved). And I will try to read all the stories even though I might not be able to comment since I'm crunched for time online. If I can't read them now I will read them after August 4.

I love you all.

I wish I could be left to grieve in my own isolated way, rather than their "lets be a family, because we're all we have, lets talk about our... feelings!" way. But I do love my family and I'd rather not lose them over something as stupid as accessing the internet to feel my isolation... It's not that I don't like sharing my feelings. I just don't like sharing them with THEM because they belittle them (for example: When I told my mother I needed help last year (because I felt I was becoming unstable again). She told me to stop being a drama queen)...

Also, I can't tell my parents how I really feel, because what I have to say would be extremely disrespectful in my culture. The double standards kill me. "You need to open a line of communication with us, we can't be the only ones trying to make an effort."--"Don't talk to us that way. If that is how you feel its better if you didn't talk to us at all"

I can't wait to get back on August 4.

Also, my brother has Jaundice. Ugh. Poor kid. I feel so bad for him. I need to take care of him as well... so I'm going to preoccupy myself with treating him like an invalid like my grandmother (maternal obviously) is doing. Did I mention that I feel bad for the kid? I'd hate being treated like I'm incapable of going to the bathroom by myself, I can only imagine how that kid feel. Although he's probably happy that I won't bug him about doing his own dishes now :p... Off to be Florence Nightingale for the day. :D

Cheers!

T.

I miss you...

My Dadi (paternal grandma) passed away on June 9, 2009. It was sudden and unexpected even though she had been sick for a long long long time now. She was cremated on June 10, 2009. Yes, this is related to my last f-locked post. I am India for another 12-ish hours... This is more emotion and random thoughts than a poem...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You always gave us happiness and so much love
But can I be selfish and not be strong this once?
Can be selfish, just this once more?
Can keep you with me and never let go?

Can I carry you with me though all of my life
Through all of my tears and all of my joy?
Because there are so many things I still have to say
And so many things you still have to see

So can I be your eyes
And your ears from now on,
Even though I know its Heaven
That you’re looking down on us from

Can I believe that it’s temporary,
This distance between us?
Can I believe it’s a vacation
That you’re not coming back from?
One that we’ll join you on someday;
That it’s just another stop in the soul’s journey.

How do I say goodbye
When I’m not ready to let you go?
When we’d spoken a few days ago
And I said I’d be seeing you soon?

How do I say goodbye
When I know you haven’t left?
Maybe in some ways,
But you’re with us in so many.

How do I say goodbye
When I’ve missed my chance?
One simple wish I couldn’t fulfill-
Just another time I took it for granted
And you still forgave.

I never said thank you for that,
And now I’ll never get the chance…

(June 11, 2009)

Private: Let me say 'I love you' just one last time...

I won't be around for a little while. Personal stuff and all that jazz. I need to be in India and we're leaving in less than 9 hours. I just found out. I cannot expound on why or when I will be back. I just need to go away for a little while. I might come back before I think I might because the one thing I'm best at doing is running away from my own emotions. But I need to be strong. So send me strength so that I can be strong for everyone else. So that I won't crack and break apart- because they needme to be strong, because I know they can't be. Hope that everything in the universe will right itself again... because the ground just slipped from under my feet...

Dear God,

I hate you. I have always believed steadfastly that 'hate' is too strong a word. But, I hate you.

You have a cruel sense of humor.

- Me.

Parents

So my parents got back from Malaysia today. Whoop-de-doo! o_o

I got yelled at for the drama from yesterday... It wasn't my fault!

Then my grandmother got me really angry because she refused to eat unless I ate with her and I was not hungry (she is so frustrating, I feel like hurting myself really badly when I'm with her, and I'm so glad she does not know that)... so I declared a hunger-strike, which got me yelled at again...

and then I got yelled at for saying I'm still hungry after I'd finished lunch at 3pm.... and then again when I forgot to put my parents week-worth of clothes from Malaysia for a wash... and then again when I told my mum I still had not looked up flights...

:(

....

Learning how to NOT hit pedestrians when in control of motor vehicles...

Yes. I mean Driving Lessons.

Yes. I know I'm 20 years old.

No. I had never sat in the driver's seat of a car that had been turned on till last Thursday. Yes. You heard right! I said never.

So despite the stupidity that is the driving institute, I FINALLY got my lessons. I heart my instructor. She is awesome. I think I might take a counter to my next class just to see how many times I make her scream "Jesus!" and stomp on the brake... hehehe *rubs hands evilly*

I have to sign up for my parking test day after *bites nails nervously* I've only been behind the wheel for 3 days!!!

I went up to a speed of 70 km/hr today... it was scary... w00t!!

Oh and I changed lanes on my own!

Real Life Drama...

YAY for real life drama. My brother is world class A-hole. I mean seriously, its one thing to treat me like shit, but he disrespects my grandmother and yells at her when all she's doing is trying to make sure he doesn't go hungry!... but yeah, back to myself- I'm not talking to him anymore because he doesn't know how to respect me, my boundaries and I'm through dealing with his Bullshit! He needs anger management and an attitude readjustment... I don't care anymore if he wants to join the army. I bet even they won't take him with his anger issues. I worry for the kid, but honestly, I think I'm just wasting my breath, time and energy where he is concerned. So I GIVE UP! We've never had the best relationship but, for godsake, I'm trying now, at least pretend you're trying too! He has absolutely no right to bitch about how its all my fault anymore. He's a right bastard, I don't care if he hates the air I breathe anymore. WASH YOUR OWN GODDAMN DISHES, NOW!!!

I think my grandmother may be a little mad at me... we had a long discussion today where I implied that I'd go anywhere in the world, but I am NEVER going back to India. I am a very patriotic person, don't get me wrong. I just can't deal with closed-minded people and their stupid judgments. I lived there for almost half my life, and they were the worst years of my life, so yeah, not going back.... I also may have upset her when I started talking about homosexuality as an example of the closedmindedness... this was complete lipslip... I ♥ love, what can I say?

Ai is dying... Sims 3... Driving Lessons... ETA: Prop 8

Ai is dying, and I'm not willing to replace him... he's been faithful for two years, even through all the abuse... even though he's permanently bandaged to keep dust from entering his circuit, he still works fairly well... but I'm beginning to realize that if I don't replace him, I might not be able to get through the remaining 1.5 years of university.... :(

I just realized I can afford a new, better and faster laptop, but it breaks my heart to see him dying... yes, his life is coming to a close, it has been for a while now. He keeps stalling and doing random clicky shit all over the damn place, down to the point where it is annoying and gets me in trouble... like the other day when I was trying to book my tickets and it would keep skipping back to 'Step 1' instead of 'Step 4'!! :(

But he deserves love.

I can't abandon him.

I think he shall stick around till either A) he overheats and his chips melt... B) he shuts down and never starts up again... or C) my parents gift me a new laptop which I won't abuse as much (and would have more features than this pile of shit anyways)... *huggles Ai, you know I love you*

When will they release Windows 7??? Ugh. the wait for better technology is exhausting. I refuse to shift to Vista if its really as problematic as people say it is...

AND THERE IS GOING TO BE A SIMS 3!!!!!!!! *Squeeeeee*

The fact that I family gets in the way of my fan-fiction writing is bothering me. I realized I got over my celebrity crush, which both amused and depressed me- but no worries, I shall still fan-girl my ass off, because the man deserves every ounce of love that is sent his way (even if some of it is the creepy kind... you know what I'm talking about!)...

The driving institute is driving me mad. Bastards were supposed to tell me whether or not I could start lessons tomorrow... but fuck them calling me, they won't even take MY calls! ASSHOLES!! I WANT TO FUCKING LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE A FUCKING CAR!! I'M FUCKING TWENTY YEARS OLD AND I DON'T LIVE IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO LET YOUR STUPID SHOW!!!

:(


♥

ETA: Fucking Prop 8 and the supreme court! WHAT THE FUCK!!?? what the fuck is wrong with this fucking country. All the talk about equality and freedom, FUCK YOU! ITS A FUCKING LIE!! So much for equality and so fucking much for freedom... FUCK YOU!... why the fuck is there so much fucking hatred in the world!? why can't people love like they're meant to and just let it be... if you don't like gay marriage DONT FUCKING MARRY SOMEONE OF THE SAME FUCKING SEX... but WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO STOP OTHER PEOPLE FROM DOING IT??? If you're overly religious and think homosexuals are going to go to hell, well THAT IS NOT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM! IT'S THEIR PROBLEM, SO PLEASE BUTT YOUR FUCKING NOSE OUT OF IT IF YOU DON'T SUPPORT IT!! How would you like it if everyone held a microfuckingscope to your marriage and told you your husband was fucking... err I mean "coveting thy neighbor's wife", or told your husband that you were sleeping with the neighbor! FUCK OFF, its none of your fucking bees-wax!! Let people love who they want to... let FREEDOM RING!! LET IT RING!!! Love and be loved, isn't that the start and end of every story worth telling? WHY DO YOU WANT TO FILL YOURS WITH HATE?? Bigotry is so not becoming anymore! FUCK!!!!!!!

Dreamwidth... Facebook... and other Junk...

So I'm flying out to Dubai in a few hours... YAY!! (not really)... but I don't know if LJ is going to work there, the last time I was there it was banned, and if it does, there is no sure-fire way of knowing if it will stay accessible over my entire stay there... I just hope I'll be able to watch the story on YouTube...

Anyways, I have one invite for Dreamwidth still available if anyone wants it... shoot me a message with your email address on it... If DW works you shall get it within the week, else, it'll have to wait a little while....

Also, I contemplated adding fandom friends to the mix, and while, yes, I'm still not sure if I should, I am. So if you want to add me you can do so by clicking HERE. I'm also on AIM using the same handle as this (a.k.a. Painfullystoic). If you're a friend, you also have access to my other IM servers, so feel free to add me.

I recently commented to a letter to the editor of The Times of India. The article this was a review for was entitled "Gay couples 'marry' with parents' approval, hawan and priests". Hopefully my comment & reply will be on there in a few days (if it is I will paste it here ASAP), because that man really made me angry. However it might not make it on there because it was LONG... almost as long as the article itself, and definitely implied that the man was an idiot. I'd quote what he said, but I don't think its worth repeating...

I have been waking up at 2 am CDT. It is pissing me off because now I'm so clucking tired my eyes are closing of their own accord.

G'night All!

Lost

I’m lost in the recesses of my mind,
Along empty roads with wordless signs.
An endless corridor with a door to my right;
Who’s key has been lost in the folds of time.

I’m falling through a darkness that never ends,
Down an abyss of solitude I created myself.
I try to hold on to memories and thoughts
That brush my fingers but stay out of grasp.

I’m traversing roads that are long forgotten,
Painting in hues that have faded to nothing,
Singing a tune in meaningless tongues
And standing in a silence that is anything but.

Yet I know nothing I say I do.
And mean nothing I claim to mean.
Because I’m just as lost as you are
In this sea of faceless have-beens.

So I contemplate and question,
All the shoddy uncertainty-
The right, the wrong, the black and white.
But what happens to the area in between-
that no matter what conveniently stays
Lost, confused and undoubtedly forgotten?

What's a girl to do?

When her brain has turned to goo, being in habited by a Gay fictional-soap-opera character who is now dominating every thought especially when it comes to writing things.

Holy, Jeeezez Fucking Christ!! I mean honestly!! Are you for real? <---- can't believe I just asked that. *smacks herself in the forehead*

*huggles the fandom and all the wonderful people*

You guys, seriously you guys, I love you all so much. Like honest to God. I'm so honored to be a part of such a sophisticated fandom. I really didn't expect it to be this way; I mean, sure, I know we have the crazy fans "[who] will have [their] babies" but on the whole the maturity of the people in this group never fails to amaze me. So lets not stop now.
And such a supportive group too. Not just when it comes to enabling our mutual love for the characters, but also in our personal lives. Its brilliant!! :D I'm really glad to have met you guys (well metaphorically anyways)... Its been a wonderful journey thus far, and I'm glad to be walking the road with y'all!

*raises champagne glass*

I really hope Horny!Noah gets it together in my brain, because everything I write is being turned over. AND JEEZ IS IT FRUSTRATING!!!

*goes back to studying geotechnical engineering*

*rips hair out*

♥

Walking on Sunshine...

I don't care if I fail all my exams. I am too happy to give a damn because Sid, my Twin, he's alright. He wrote to me and he's doing fine. He's paralyzed, but I'm praying that its temporary. But just knowing that he's no longer hanging on the balance has made me the happiest (well, second happiest) person in the whole wide world.

:) Thank you all for the friendship and support, it meant a lot to me :D

Hates the Heat...

Okay so I know I'm a snow-and-winter girl. My first snowfall (Decemember 2006) and every other one after proves it to me. But this is ridiculous!! I had a nose-bleed today! I mean, I used to get them alot when I was a kid... but I haven't had a serious one in YEARS I tell you! but today, it just wouldn't stop... I love the taste of blood (shut up, I know its creepy... I think so too... It must be where my love for vampires comes from) but not the blood that bleeds into the nose and then clots and feels like someone took floss to your nose... eurghh!! :(

I also bombed my Geography final but I deserved that one... who doesn't go to lecture, doesn't read the two books or any of the articles and not study for the exam till 6 hours before it is?? An Idiot! Yes, folks, I am officially a self proclaimed idiot and queen of procrastination. I deserve to fail that exam... =( but that doesn't have to mean I like it...

Okay. I'm done.

ETA: I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. Its been a long day.

Dear Twin...

Dear Twin,

Please come back. I'm not ready to let you go... I haven't even met you yet. You can't leave already. What about our girl? She'll break without you and I won't be able to hold her together... I won't have the strength to... I know it hurts and I know you're in pain... but please, hold on.

You're strong. You know you are and I know you can make it through anything!

But God. I can't let you go and the fact that I don't know why scares me because I don't know what you look like, I don't know how deep your voice is. I don't know what your smile looks like and I don't know what your laugh sounds like but even still, I miss you already.

We're connected by one girl. One precious girl in whose hands we are both putty. She brought us together and through her I know of your stubbornness, from her I know of you love for her.

So please. Fight for her. Fight for your mom. Fight so that you can go work with your Dad like he wanted you to. Fight for me so that I can meet you someday. Because without you I am incomplete. Without you she and I will be incomplete.

I miss you.

Love,

Me.

ETA:This is about an accident. While trying to get to a village somewhere in north India, a truck smashed a friend's car into a pole. The pole fell down on top of his car and cracked his skull. As far as I know he was in surgery for over two hours. He's out of surgery. He may be paralyzed on his left side. Still not out of danger. If I ask for a trade do you think that God will listen? She needs him more. The world needs him more too.

ETA: My best-friend told me about it while he was in surgery and that is when this was written. They were told that the chance of survival was little to none.

Go Vermont... and Come on, India!

Why am I always the last one to know? I'm such a clueless sod, its depressing...

anyhow... after the abhorrent passing of Proposition 8 in California, Connecticut legalized same-sex marriage, then it was Iowa and Now... Vermont... tada! Even though the legislation was passed on April 3rd (or something like that) it isn't in effect till September 1, 2009... That's two states over turning their ruling on same-sex marriage in one month! This is progress, America! well done, now if someone could just knock those Knuckle-heads who passed/proposed Prop 8 and make things right in the gay ol' state of California all will be well... and we can continue in a positive direction!!

I wish I could go back home whenever the 2nd Gay Pride Parade happens there... I really hope they have one this year... Last year was the First Gay Pride Parade in 4 metropolitan cities of India (its where I'm from)... you'd think, if you've read/heard of the Kamasutra, that it would be a sexually tolerant country, open minded when it came to transgender rights and sexuality. but No! they're bigoted and say that "our culture is different than the west" well I say: Fuck you! our culture is supposed to be tolerant, we are supposed to be the culture where our epic hero, Arjun became transgendered for a year due to a curse, but used it in a way to help his family. We are the culture were although Shikhandi(ni) was technically a bad guy, he/she was born as a girl, but was then reborn as a man to take revenge on the man who slighted her... talk about girl power!

But no... we hide behind this fascist mask we call our culture so as to not offend the reformed bigots who placed the sodomy laws in the first place... and while the British have now gone on to not ONLY legalize same-sex relationships but ALSO legalize MARRIAGE, we are stuck in this rut of homophobia. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE, GODDAMMIT!! HIV/AIDS in not a reason to keep these laws in place. The disease in was not borne from Male/Male relations, get OVER yourselves!!

BAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I hate being sick, it makes me whiny... I WANT TO WRITE MORE ABOUT THIS!!!

*goes to die now because typing this made her all tired and weak*

Her Life the Soap Opera...

So, when I wrote my previous post and posted it here, I took permission from my best friend to do so and she acquiesced, obviously (otherwise it would have been taken down).

She's in the hospital right now because she had to have a potentially-cancerous tumor removed, and her father's undergoing his last round of chemo in this batch... and somehow we ended up talking about how her boyfriend thought that she and I were dating at some point because of the "way" she talks about me and from there we started talking about fan-fiction and how she's been reading it since September last year... and from there we went to talking about soap operas... and from there I sent her my fan-fiction... anyways, she said that she was bored out of her mind, obviously, 4 days in a Hospital Room is so not rainbows and sunshine... so I suggested she learn Photoshop or write fanfiction... anyways, it boiled down to me telling her she should write an autobiographical fan-fiction... or maybe a soap opera... and she said "but my life is so boring". And I like the drama-queen that I am, tried to convey my expression over the interwebs, which doesn't work i might add, considering the interwebs can't see your face. So I had to explain.

Love triangle between her best-friend(a.k.a. me)-her-and her boyfriend in highschool. love triangle between her-her boyfriend in high school- her housemate's bestfriend who he was two-timing with in a different country (how the fuck do coincidences like that happen?); 2 stalkers, her semi-stalkerish ex-boyfriend from high school, she dated her cousin (granted she didn't know he was her cousin at the time, and when they found out they broke it off, but 16 years of being in love romantically is hard to get over overnight), her cancer, her cancer again, the million times she's almost died on the road because of the political climate in her home country, she was the President/Chairperson of the student wing of the UN in her home country; my love triangle with her, my momentary love-triangle at my middle-school dance, my off-kilter internet romance with a creep who emotionally blackmailed me into it in the first place, my foray into erotic literature, my music and acting and melodrama, my sarcasm, my unrequited loves, our "subtextual" romance, us being soul-mates... so we decided to write a Soap Opera based on us; well her mostly, and I'm the second lead (of course its my plot and she's going to try and write it)... anyhow once its done we'll be trying to sell the Pilot to CBS... so stay tuned for Our Soap Opera... :D

oh and say hello to Rhys Denver a.k.a. Me... :D

*goes to laugh her head off at herself*

♥

The thin line between courage and cowardice...

This post deals with sensitive, serious and controversial issues.

I can't believe a story got me to write it... It's been lingering for a couple of weeks... since an episode of House that I saw... but it was the story that finally got me writing it...

It deals with a very serious issue and I don't think anyone who doesn't want to should be subjected to it. I'm not one to hide my demons or myself AND I think might use it as the premise for a future story.

ETA: This is serious... like death.
ETA: If you do choose to read this, please know that I am not in that head-space anymore. I am better. I just needed to unload with all this talk about the issue on TV, in Fan-fiction, music and movies.

*********************************

Why do people kill themselves?

Every time I read about suicide, people around me ask the same question. But I can't because I know why. It might not be the same reason for everyone but I know the feeling. I felt it. I reveled in it once because it was all I had. Like this overwhelming tsunami, it destroys everything that's good. It wasn't just depression or despair it was so much, so much more. A torrential downpour that wipes away everything in its wake.

What kind of coward would do that?

We are remembered as cowards, and maybe to some extent we are. But it also takes a great deal of courage to take your own life, I know, because I couldn't do it. My best-friend knows, because she could.

I can't believe I almost never got to meet her. If her parents hadn't have found her I'd never have been able to shine in her light. Even today her close friends celebrate the day she was in the clear. The day they knew for sure she would live, her 'birthday'. I thank whatever deity exists that brought us into each others lives, because as much as I hated my boarding school, the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with her.

People who say they are going to commit suicide don't do it; The people who don't say it usually do.

A statistical study I once read said that. But it isn't true. I know. My best-friend knows.

I am a survivor.

Will I ever go back there? I don't know. But everyday I work to stay away. Everyday I know I'm better off, I know I am loved and that I can love back. I know that I never want to go back to that place because I know that I will be missed, even if its for a little while. I know I will have brought sorrow to the people whose happiness I would want to do it for in the first place.

Yes, its still a lingering thought. I think that maybe it always will be. But I know now, in this moment, it isn't cowardice that is keeping me from taking that blade, bottle of sleeping pills or even the ledge on the 14th floor. It is courage.

I've been there before. But, I will try my damnest best to keep away, and I know I can do it...

Because if High School at my boarding school didn't tip me over the edge, and I came really really close to doing it again, nothing will. I don't want pity. God knows, I do it enough for the rest of the world and I know that most of people have it a lot worse that I do. All I want is that people know that you can't always know what a person is thinking, behind the smiles and the laughter, nobody did with me, and nobody does with my best-friend. The only thing you can do is treat people with respect and dignity because nobody deserves to feel unworthy or 'less than'.

In a sea of strangers I find myself bereft...

How can someone feel so alone in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students?

How can someone have no real friends in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students even after having lived in 4 different countries?

Recently, I was talking to one of my 'friends' and I told her that I hate being alone... and she turned to me and said "but you seem like a loner". I am not. I know tons of people. I say hi to tons of people. But for some reason I can't find a friend in this sea of strangers. I try. Lord knows, I try. I try to talk to people. I try to hang out with people... "I think I'm too intense and scare people away"... "I can see that" my 'friend' says.

A while before that one of my other 'friends' asked me "How do you deal with being alone all the time? I'd go insane." She had recently broken up with her boyfriend at the time and even though she was always surrounded by her friends who she loves, who adore her. Who want to hang out with her. But because she didn't have more people in this group, she felt alone. I looked at her, the incredulity blatant in my expression, but I answered her anyways. "I don't deal with. Its all I've ever known". and it is. I can go days without any human contact. Nobody other than my parents call me. Nobody ever drops by my room to say "hi" to me. My roommate who doesn't consider anyone who isn't from "back home" her friend, has more friends here than I do.

But its more the question of how. I wish I knew how to do it. I wish that 20 years of being all alone could have taught me how to deal with it. Because even though I don't have friends, I always clung to someone so that I would have at least one person to share my emotional burden with. But what happens where there are miles and miles of metaphorical ocean between them and me, because I, for lack of a better way to put this, force them to be my friend.

Maybe I'm just an epic failure at making friends. Maybe it happened when my life changed in 3rd grade.

The saddest part of the whole thing is that everyone I come into contact with is always telling me how I'm such a fucking nice person anyone would be lucky to have me as their friend. Then why the fuck won't you? I don't want to be nice. I just want one, just one real friend because without even one connection, when I fade, there won't be anyone who will have noticed. Nobody will have cared.

But then again. Maybe that is for the best.

For a Little While

For a little while
Let me believe
That your arms are around me
Because you want them to be

For a little while
Let me hold onto this
To what I can’t have
and what I will not give

For a little while
Let it be so
That whatever I dream
Will come true

For a little while
Let me feel happy
Because once you’ve gone
It’ll be just me

So For a little while
Just a little while
Let me hold you
Let me tell myself
That this is true

Because I will be here
And you will have gone
Back to lover you left
At your door

You're here as my friend
And nothing more
As my confidant
And nothing more.

And While you chose to comfort
My broken little heart
You broke it a little more
With your careless kindness

And so for a little while
Just a little while
Let me hold on to you
Before you leave me here
In my lonely solitude.