How can someone feel so alone in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students?
How can someone have no real friends in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students even after having lived in 4 different countries?
Recently, I was talking to one of my 'friends' and I told her that I hate being alone... and she turned to me and said "but you seem like a loner". I am not. I know tons of people. I say hi to tons of people. But for some reason I can't find a friend in this sea of strangers. I try. Lord knows, I try. I try to talk to people. I try to hang out with people... "I think I'm too intense and scare people away"... "I can see that" my 'friend' says.
A while before that one of my other 'friends' asked me "How do you deal with being alone all the time? I'd go insane." She had recently broken up with her boyfriend at the time and even though she was always surrounded by her friends who she loves, who adore her. Who want to hang out with her. But because she didn't have more people in this group, she felt alone. I looked at her, the incredulity blatant in my expression, but I answered her anyways. "I don't deal with. Its all I've ever known". and it is. I can go days without any human contact. Nobody other than my parents call me. Nobody ever drops by my room to say "hi" to me. My roommate who doesn't consider anyone who isn't from "back home" her friend, has more friends here than I do.
But its more the question of how. I wish I knew how to do it. I wish that 20 years of being all alone could have taught me how to deal with it. Because even though I don't have friends, I always clung to someone so that I would have at least one person to share my emotional burden with. But what happens where there are miles and miles of metaphorical ocean between them and me, because I, for lack of a better way to put this, force them to be my friend.
Maybe I'm just an epic failure at making friends. Maybe it happened when my life changed in 3rd grade.
The saddest part of the whole thing is that everyone I come into contact with is always telling me how I'm such a fucking nice person anyone would be lucky to have me as their friend. Then why the fuck won't you? I don't want to be nice. I just want one, just one real friend because without even one connection, when I fade, there won't be anyone who will have noticed. Nobody will have cared.
But then again. Maybe that is for the best.
1 comment:
what about mee??
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