For fear of my life and sanity...

To all my friends,

My father just threatened to both break my laptop and disown me. I nearly drew blood biting myself to keep from saying anything. Since I'm going to be here for another month, I have to do what I can to keep myself from going over the deep end that I thought I was miles and miles away from. Turns out, not so much. You can only be so happy before it comes and bites you in the ass and takes you by surprise. Don't worry. I'm working on holding onto vines in such a way that I can pull myself back up again...

I'll still try and post my mediocre stories for the love you all give me for it (I'm an attention whore and I love being loved). And I will try to read all the stories even though I might not be able to comment since I'm crunched for time online. If I can't read them now I will read them after August 4.

I love you all.

I wish I could be left to grieve in my own isolated way, rather than their "lets be a family, because we're all we have, lets talk about our... feelings!" way. But I do love my family and I'd rather not lose them over something as stupid as accessing the internet to feel my isolation... It's not that I don't like sharing my feelings. I just don't like sharing them with THEM because they belittle them (for example: When I told my mother I needed help last year (because I felt I was becoming unstable again). She told me to stop being a drama queen)...

Also, I can't tell my parents how I really feel, because what I have to say would be extremely disrespectful in my culture. The double standards kill me. "You need to open a line of communication with us, we can't be the only ones trying to make an effort."--"Don't talk to us that way. If that is how you feel its better if you didn't talk to us at all"

I can't wait to get back on August 4.

Also, my brother has Jaundice. Ugh. Poor kid. I feel so bad for him. I need to take care of him as well... so I'm going to preoccupy myself with treating him like an invalid like my grandmother (maternal obviously) is doing. Did I mention that I feel bad for the kid? I'd hate being treated like I'm incapable of going to the bathroom by myself, I can only imagine how that kid feel. Although he's probably happy that I won't bug him about doing his own dishes now :p... Off to be Florence Nightingale for the day. :D

Cheers!

T.

I miss you...

My Dadi (paternal grandma) passed away on June 9, 2009. It was sudden and unexpected even though she had been sick for a long long long time now. She was cremated on June 10, 2009. Yes, this is related to my last f-locked post. I am India for another 12-ish hours... This is more emotion and random thoughts than a poem...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You always gave us happiness and so much love
But can I be selfish and not be strong this once?
Can be selfish, just this once more?
Can keep you with me and never let go?

Can I carry you with me though all of my life
Through all of my tears and all of my joy?
Because there are so many things I still have to say
And so many things you still have to see

So can I be your eyes
And your ears from now on,
Even though I know its Heaven
That you’re looking down on us from

Can I believe that it’s temporary,
This distance between us?
Can I believe it’s a vacation
That you’re not coming back from?
One that we’ll join you on someday;
That it’s just another stop in the soul’s journey.

How do I say goodbye
When I’m not ready to let you go?
When we’d spoken a few days ago
And I said I’d be seeing you soon?

How do I say goodbye
When I know you haven’t left?
Maybe in some ways,
But you’re with us in so many.

How do I say goodbye
When I’ve missed my chance?
One simple wish I couldn’t fulfill-
Just another time I took it for granted
And you still forgave.

I never said thank you for that,
And now I’ll never get the chance…

(June 11, 2009)

Private: Let me say 'I love you' just one last time...

I won't be around for a little while. Personal stuff and all that jazz. I need to be in India and we're leaving in less than 9 hours. I just found out. I cannot expound on why or when I will be back. I just need to go away for a little while. I might come back before I think I might because the one thing I'm best at doing is running away from my own emotions. But I need to be strong. So send me strength so that I can be strong for everyone else. So that I won't crack and break apart- because they needme to be strong, because I know they can't be. Hope that everything in the universe will right itself again... because the ground just slipped from under my feet...

Dear God,

I hate you. I have always believed steadfastly that 'hate' is too strong a word. But, I hate you.

You have a cruel sense of humor.

- Me.

Parents

So my parents got back from Malaysia today. Whoop-de-doo! o_o

I got yelled at for the drama from yesterday... It wasn't my fault!

Then my grandmother got me really angry because she refused to eat unless I ate with her and I was not hungry (she is so frustrating, I feel like hurting myself really badly when I'm with her, and I'm so glad she does not know that)... so I declared a hunger-strike, which got me yelled at again...

and then I got yelled at for saying I'm still hungry after I'd finished lunch at 3pm.... and then again when I forgot to put my parents week-worth of clothes from Malaysia for a wash... and then again when I told my mum I still had not looked up flights...

:(

....

Learning how to NOT hit pedestrians when in control of motor vehicles...

Yes. I mean Driving Lessons.

Yes. I know I'm 20 years old.

No. I had never sat in the driver's seat of a car that had been turned on till last Thursday. Yes. You heard right! I said never.

So despite the stupidity that is the driving institute, I FINALLY got my lessons. I heart my instructor. She is awesome. I think I might take a counter to my next class just to see how many times I make her scream "Jesus!" and stomp on the brake... hehehe *rubs hands evilly*

I have to sign up for my parking test day after *bites nails nervously* I've only been behind the wheel for 3 days!!!

I went up to a speed of 70 km/hr today... it was scary... w00t!!

Oh and I changed lanes on my own!

Real Life Drama...

YAY for real life drama. My brother is world class A-hole. I mean seriously, its one thing to treat me like shit, but he disrespects my grandmother and yells at her when all she's doing is trying to make sure he doesn't go hungry!... but yeah, back to myself- I'm not talking to him anymore because he doesn't know how to respect me, my boundaries and I'm through dealing with his Bullshit! He needs anger management and an attitude readjustment... I don't care anymore if he wants to join the army. I bet even they won't take him with his anger issues. I worry for the kid, but honestly, I think I'm just wasting my breath, time and energy where he is concerned. So I GIVE UP! We've never had the best relationship but, for godsake, I'm trying now, at least pretend you're trying too! He has absolutely no right to bitch about how its all my fault anymore. He's a right bastard, I don't care if he hates the air I breathe anymore. WASH YOUR OWN GODDAMN DISHES, NOW!!!

I think my grandmother may be a little mad at me... we had a long discussion today where I implied that I'd go anywhere in the world, but I am NEVER going back to India. I am a very patriotic person, don't get me wrong. I just can't deal with closed-minded people and their stupid judgments. I lived there for almost half my life, and they were the worst years of my life, so yeah, not going back.... I also may have upset her when I started talking about homosexuality as an example of the closedmindedness... this was complete lipslip... I ♥ love, what can I say?