Paper Faces on Parade...

seething shadows...

breathing lies....

Masquerade! - Phantom of the Opera

Everyday is a parade of paper faces... everyone pretending to be someone they are not. We were born alone and must die alone and yet we chose to let what others think determine how we live our lives... Why can't a sane adult want to dance in the rain without inhibitions? Why can't we wear what we are comfortable in even if it's a little torn and makes us look shabby? Why can't we just let go and feel free? Claustrophobia restricts our breathing as the high walls of societal decorum push inward towards us, giving us no way out... nowhere to run to...

How can we ask for help when every person around is encased and trapped in the very dungeon we are... gasping for breath... hoping for relief... we have nowhere to go but down.... down into the insanity of it... untill we break...

That's what out fate is... we are all made to be broken... emotionally, physically, spiritually....

No, nobody really knows what's going on inside that clockwork mind that humans claim to possess... and no, nobody has ever not been hit... and no, there is no GOD that's going to come down to earth and ease our suffering.... all we have is elusive... all we want is elusive... WE are elusive...

What is the bane of our existence?

If Adam and Eve had three sons... why is incest looked down upon? what about Noah? the only people he took on the ark were his wife and children... how did life go on? Perverse as it is... it is food for thought... why is there fault in what we hear and see and percieve...

If evolution is the key, what caused the first living cell to exist?

We are taught not to question faith... and yet faith eludes us... it isn't perfect just as we aren't and yet it is blindly followed...

This world is a Masquerade

We pretend and that's all we'll ever be... Paper faces on parade...

Slugging Through

Endings are never easy... however many times it may happen... when there is no emotional connection it might seem easier, but saying good-bye is always difficult... knowing you might never meet again pinches even if it is just for a brief period of time... wishing you'd given people more chances... or even one chance... wishing you hadn't been the uptight bitch you portrayed yourself as outside the dorm... or wishing, just plain wishing you'd been yourself throughout... not a depressed misanthropist... it hurts so much knowing you'll never have a "chaddi-buddy", i.e, a close friend that you've known since you were a child... moving around sucks... and yet its the only thing that i'm good at.... going away is supposed to be easy, isn't it?... then why isn't it?

why do we slug our way through life... force ourselves to believe we're not as good as everyone else... or believe that we're better than everyone else... why can't we just be the plain-janes or simple-sallys?? pollyanna that annoying... okAy yes she was... but Jeez, do we have to hold it against her.... we should strive to be more optimisic... pessimism is so over-rated.... :P

Cheers to all slugging their way through life, like i am... best of luck and hope to see you in University!! :P

Giving Up

The incessant ramblings of a troubled mind that is fumbling in vain to hold onto the sanity that is threatening to break away… As I reach the end of the road and look back I realize how I’ve been fucked over by people I was meant to look up to… While I try hard to build up the broken pieces of my life around me… the cuts across my wrist represent the pain that had no face… the blood that’s on the bathroom floor around me is contaminated with the poison I injected into myself so that I could survive in this cruel world that is so filled with hate… the love inside me breaks me… over and over I fall… because I can love in the darkness that haunts me… in the echoing silence I hear my soul reverberating… the beating of my heart slowing down to a sluggish pace as I slump down on the cold hard tiles that remind me of my life… I feel clean as the blood spills out of my vein making rosy patterns in the water as it swivels its way towards the drain… the pain is numbing to a dull throb that seems to mask the underlying emotional turmoil that I am too adamant to give up on…

As I lie on the floor, my tear and kohl stained face hard and cold as ice… I refuse to give in to the pain… I fight myself as I fight everyone around me… I refuse to give up and yet inevitably that is all I do...

Tomorrow

It's tomorrow!It's tomorrow!It's tomorrow!

Not the incessant mummbling of a hyper five year old... but the sound of the bitter truth reverberating through my mind and soul... tomorrow is the day it begins- The Final WAR...

INNOCENCE- my innocence lost in time, I'm no longer innocent... fallen creature of the night that is sure to burn in the perpetual fires of hell... because that's what happens tomorrow... Hell Freezes Over... The earth, the desolute body of unending suffering becomes the walking ground of the rougish, unwelcome beings that threaten our very existence...

FAITH- my faith faded into the truth, or a horribly garbbled version of it... the fire is alll consuming, it licks, kisses, bites... burning my faith and innocence with its roaming, incinerating hands... the shocking realiy of it etched in my mind over and over and yet it's still to hit...

The final push against the threshhold of decency... pushes me higher and higher and all the while making me feel lowly, uncouth and unclean... i have nothing holding me to reality as fade into and out of insanity- my conscience flickering along with my hope...

My distant ray of hope fades as it begins... dark clouds rolling in the distance making ungodly sounds that painfully make me realise that i have nowhere to go, nowhere safe and protected like my life has always been...

I have to fight this War.... this war that will finally cut the umbilical cord between a mother and child... i have far too much at stake... and far too little to lose... I will be a ruthless murderer for the sake of both... and yet... inevitably i must lose... no matter what... no matter how... I have nowhere to go but down...



and then



IT HITS!!

Gonna Get Through This

I'm sure there have been times when you realise how low you really are... how unworthy, and incompetent you are... Like every other person it happens to me as well... most of the time i have my angel to help me through it... in one form or another... i may not be an angel to them, i'm hardly one to help people through their problems... but they help me get through it....

I know i can't do this... it's gonna kill me knowing that i can't but again an angel comes... he tells me he'll help me, but i don't want him to because it will be messing with his time to study....

Both can keep me calm when i've lost it... even though losing my cool isn't one of my personality traits...

As the stress of the upcoming exams increases and i realise how much i don't know... they keep me sane... in the insanity of it all, they keep me sane... holding me steady and guiding me through it... Painfully clear of what is and isn't makes things so much harder...

... je t'aime, mon ami, mon ange

... te quiero, mi amigo, mi ángel

Stoic...

"Stoic: One who is seemingly indifferent to or unaffected by joy, grief, pleasure, or pain"

(Quote: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=Stoic )

Breaking from the inside, as i crumble; slowly, but surely, into blatant nothingness... It doesn't scare me anymore... i'm unaffected by pain and betrayal... I am unmoved by the reality thats screaming in my face... I'm not scared of rejection, not insecure about relationships... in some twisted way i guess I'm not afraid that that I'm turning into something less Human... When people around my smile I smile back... but I can't feel the happiness I usually did... when I think of the beach I feel unnervingly calm... a little girl with soft brown curls running across the white sand in a white dress and the waves beat upon the untouched shore, she turns around to face me with out-stretched arms screaming 'mommy... mommy...' a soft smile playing on her face and a familiar mischeivous glint in her eyes... the dream haunts me... plagues me with the reality it exists in my head... seeming so true and yet it isn't so... I'm a creature of darkness and solitude... I do not pride myself in the fact that I have friends... the very fact that I do is in a way an accomplishment... I crave for the pain that I am so adamant at having... the loneliness that I am too stubborn to give up on...


and yet...



I want different...


the body doesn't, but the spirit always live forever...