Why am I always the last one to know? I'm such a clueless sod, its depressing...
anyhow... after the abhorrent passing of Proposition 8 in California, Connecticut legalized same-sex marriage, then it was Iowa and Now... Vermont... tada! Even though the legislation was passed on April 3rd (or something like that) it isn't in effect till September 1, 2009... That's two states over turning their ruling on same-sex marriage in one month! This is progress, America! well done, now if someone could just knock those Knuckle-heads who passed/proposed Prop 8 and make things right in the gay ol' state of California all will be well... and we can continue in a positive direction!!
I wish I could go back home whenever the 2nd Gay Pride Parade happens there... I really hope they have one this year... Last year was the First Gay Pride Parade in 4 metropolitan cities of India (its where I'm from)... you'd think, if you've read/heard of the Kamasutra, that it would be a sexually tolerant country, open minded when it came to transgender rights and sexuality. but No! they're bigoted and say that "our culture is different than the west" well I say: Fuck you! our culture is supposed to be tolerant, we are supposed to be the culture where our epic hero, Arjun became transgendered for a year due to a curse, but used it in a way to help his family. We are the culture were although Shikhandi(ni) was technically a bad guy, he/she was born as a girl, but was then reborn as a man to take revenge on the man who slighted her... talk about girl power!
But no... we hide behind this fascist mask we call our culture so as to not offend the reformed bigots who placed the sodomy laws in the first place... and while the British have now gone on to not ONLY legalize same-sex relationships but ALSO legalize MARRIAGE, we are stuck in this rut of homophobia. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE, GODDAMMIT!! HIV/AIDS in not a reason to keep these laws in place. The disease in was not borne from Male/Male relations, get OVER yourselves!!
BAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I hate being sick, it makes me whiny... I WANT TO WRITE MORE ABOUT THIS!!!
*goes to die now because typing this made her all tired and weak*
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Her Life the Soap Opera...
So, when I wrote my previous post and posted it here, I took permission from my best friend to do so and she acquiesced, obviously (otherwise it would have been taken down).
She's in the hospital right now because she had to have a potentially-cancerous tumor removed, and her father's undergoing his last round of chemo in this batch... and somehow we ended up talking about how her boyfriend thought that she and I were dating at some point because of the "way" she talks about me and from there we started talking about fan-fiction and how she's been reading it since September last year... and from there we went to talking about soap operas... and from there I sent her my fan-fiction... anyways, she said that she was bored out of her mind, obviously, 4 days in a Hospital Room is so not rainbows and sunshine... so I suggested she learn Photoshop or write fanfiction... anyways, it boiled down to me telling her she should write an autobiographical fan-fiction... or maybe a soap opera... and she said "but my life is so boring". And I like the drama-queen that I am, tried to convey my expression over the interwebs, which doesn't work i might add, considering the interwebs can't see your face. So I had to explain.
Love triangle between her best-friend(a.k.a. me)-her-and her boyfriend in highschool. love triangle between her-her boyfriend in high school- her housemate's bestfriend who he was two-timing with in a different country (how the fuck do coincidences like that happen?); 2 stalkers, her semi-stalkerish ex-boyfriend from high school, she dated her cousin (granted she didn't know he was her cousin at the time, and when they found out they broke it off, but 16 years of being in love romantically is hard to get over overnight), her cancer, her cancer again, the million times she's almost died on the road because of the political climate in her home country, she was the President/Chairperson of the student wing of the UN in her home country; my love triangle with her, my momentary love-triangle at my middle-school dance, my off-kilter internet romance with a creep who emotionally blackmailed me into it in the first place, my foray into erotic literature, my music and acting and melodrama, my sarcasm, my unrequited loves, our "subtextual" romance, us being soul-mates... so we decided to write a Soap Opera based on us; well her mostly, and I'm the second lead (of course its my plot and she's going to try and write it)... anyhow once its done we'll be trying to sell the Pilot to CBS... so stay tuned for Our Soap Opera... :D
oh and say hello to Rhys Denver a.k.a. Me... :D
*goes to laugh her head off at herself*
♥
She's in the hospital right now because she had to have a potentially-cancerous tumor removed, and her father's undergoing his last round of chemo in this batch... and somehow we ended up talking about how her boyfriend thought that she and I were dating at some point because of the "way" she talks about me and from there we started talking about fan-fiction and how she's been reading it since September last year... and from there we went to talking about soap operas... and from there I sent her my fan-fiction... anyways, she said that she was bored out of her mind, obviously, 4 days in a Hospital Room is so not rainbows and sunshine... so I suggested she learn Photoshop or write fanfiction... anyways, it boiled down to me telling her she should write an autobiographical fan-fiction... or maybe a soap opera... and she said "but my life is so boring". And I like the drama-queen that I am, tried to convey my expression over the interwebs, which doesn't work i might add, considering the interwebs can't see your face. So I had to explain.
Love triangle between her best-friend(a.k.a. me)-her-and her boyfriend in highschool. love triangle between her-her boyfriend in high school- her housemate's bestfriend who he was two-timing with in a different country (how the fuck do coincidences like that happen?); 2 stalkers, her semi-stalkerish ex-boyfriend from high school, she dated her cousin (granted she didn't know he was her cousin at the time, and when they found out they broke it off, but 16 years of being in love romantically is hard to get over overnight), her cancer, her cancer again, the million times she's almost died on the road because of the political climate in her home country, she was the President/Chairperson of the student wing of the UN in her home country; my love triangle with her, my momentary love-triangle at my middle-school dance, my off-kilter internet romance with a creep who emotionally blackmailed me into it in the first place, my foray into erotic literature, my music and acting and melodrama, my sarcasm, my unrequited loves, our "subtextual" romance, us being soul-mates... so we decided to write a Soap Opera based on us; well her mostly, and I'm the second lead (of course its my plot and she's going to try and write it)... anyhow once its done we'll be trying to sell the Pilot to CBS... so stay tuned for Our Soap Opera... :D
oh and say hello to Rhys Denver a.k.a. Me... :D
*goes to laugh her head off at herself*
♥
The thin line between courage and cowardice...
This post deals with sensitive, serious and controversial issues.
I can't believe a story got me to write it... It's been lingering for a couple of weeks... since an episode of House that I saw... but it was the story that finally got me writing it...
It deals with a very serious issue and I don't think anyone who doesn't want to should be subjected to it. I'm not one to hide my demons or myself AND I think might use it as the premise for a future story.
ETA: This is serious... like death.
ETA: If you do choose to read this, please know that I am not in that head-space anymore. I am better. I just needed to unload with all this talk about the issue on TV, in Fan-fiction, music and movies.
*********************************
Why do people kill themselves?
Every time I read about suicide, people around me ask the same question. But I can't because I know why. It might not be the same reason for everyone but I know the feeling. I felt it. I reveled in it once because it was all I had. Like this overwhelming tsunami, it destroys everything that's good. It wasn't just depression or despair it was so much, so much more. A torrential downpour that wipes away everything in its wake.
What kind of coward would do that?
We are remembered as cowards, and maybe to some extent we are. But it also takes a great deal of courage to take your own life, I know, because I couldn't do it. My best-friend knows, because she could.
I can't believe I almost never got to meet her. If her parents hadn't have found her I'd never have been able to shine in her light. Even today her close friends celebrate the day she was in the clear. The day they knew for sure she would live, her 'birthday'. I thank whatever deity exists that brought us into each others lives, because as much as I hated my boarding school, the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with her.
People who say they are going to commit suicide don't do it; The people who don't say it usually do.
A statistical study I once read said that. But it isn't true. I know. My best-friend knows.
I am a survivor.
Will I ever go back there? I don't know. But everyday I work to stay away. Everyday I know I'm better off, I know I am loved and that I can love back. I know that I never want to go back to that place because I know that I will be missed, even if its for a little while. I know I will have brought sorrow to the people whose happiness I would want to do it for in the first place.
Yes, its still a lingering thought. I think that maybe it always will be. But I know now, in this moment, it isn't cowardice that is keeping me from taking that blade, bottle of sleeping pills or even the ledge on the 14th floor. It is courage.
I've been there before. But, I will try my damnest best to keep away, and I know I can do it...
Because if High School at my boarding school didn't tip me over the edge, and I came really really close to doing it again, nothing will. I don't want pity. God knows, I do it enough for the rest of the world and I know that most of people have it a lot worse that I do. All I want is that people know that you can't always know what a person is thinking, behind the smiles and the laughter, nobody did with me, and nobody does with my best-friend. The only thing you can do is treat people with respect and dignity because nobody deserves to feel unworthy or 'less than'.
I can't believe a story got me to write it... It's been lingering for a couple of weeks... since an episode of House that I saw... but it was the story that finally got me writing it...
It deals with a very serious issue and I don't think anyone who doesn't want to should be subjected to it. I'm not one to hide my demons or myself AND I think might use it as the premise for a future story.
ETA: This is serious... like death.
ETA: If you do choose to read this, please know that I am not in that head-space anymore. I am better. I just needed to unload with all this talk about the issue on TV, in Fan-fiction, music and movies.
*********************************
Why do people kill themselves?
Every time I read about suicide, people around me ask the same question. But I can't because I know why. It might not be the same reason for everyone but I know the feeling. I felt it. I reveled in it once because it was all I had. Like this overwhelming tsunami, it destroys everything that's good. It wasn't just depression or despair it was so much, so much more. A torrential downpour that wipes away everything in its wake.
What kind of coward would do that?
We are remembered as cowards, and maybe to some extent we are. But it also takes a great deal of courage to take your own life, I know, because I couldn't do it. My best-friend knows, because she could.
I can't believe I almost never got to meet her. If her parents hadn't have found her I'd never have been able to shine in her light. Even today her close friends celebrate the day she was in the clear. The day they knew for sure she would live, her 'birthday'. I thank whatever deity exists that brought us into each others lives, because as much as I hated my boarding school, the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with her.
People who say they are going to commit suicide don't do it; The people who don't say it usually do.
A statistical study I once read said that. But it isn't true. I know. My best-friend knows.
I am a survivor.
Will I ever go back there? I don't know. But everyday I work to stay away. Everyday I know I'm better off, I know I am loved and that I can love back. I know that I never want to go back to that place because I know that I will be missed, even if its for a little while. I know I will have brought sorrow to the people whose happiness I would want to do it for in the first place.
Yes, its still a lingering thought. I think that maybe it always will be. But I know now, in this moment, it isn't cowardice that is keeping me from taking that blade, bottle of sleeping pills or even the ledge on the 14th floor. It is courage.
I've been there before. But, I will try my damnest best to keep away, and I know I can do it...
Because if High School at my boarding school didn't tip me over the edge, and I came really really close to doing it again, nothing will. I don't want pity. God knows, I do it enough for the rest of the world and I know that most of people have it a lot worse that I do. All I want is that people know that you can't always know what a person is thinking, behind the smiles and the laughter, nobody did with me, and nobody does with my best-friend. The only thing you can do is treat people with respect and dignity because nobody deserves to feel unworthy or 'less than'.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
In a sea of strangers I find myself bereft...
How can someone feel so alone in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students?
How can someone have no real friends in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students even after having lived in 4 different countries?
Recently, I was talking to one of my 'friends' and I told her that I hate being alone... and she turned to me and said "but you seem like a loner". I am not. I know tons of people. I say hi to tons of people. But for some reason I can't find a friend in this sea of strangers. I try. Lord knows, I try. I try to talk to people. I try to hang out with people... "I think I'm too intense and scare people away"... "I can see that" my 'friend' says.
A while before that one of my other 'friends' asked me "How do you deal with being alone all the time? I'd go insane." She had recently broken up with her boyfriend at the time and even though she was always surrounded by her friends who she loves, who adore her. Who want to hang out with her. But because she didn't have more people in this group, she felt alone. I looked at her, the incredulity blatant in my expression, but I answered her anyways. "I don't deal with. Its all I've ever known". and it is. I can go days without any human contact. Nobody other than my parents call me. Nobody ever drops by my room to say "hi" to me. My roommate who doesn't consider anyone who isn't from "back home" her friend, has more friends here than I do.
But its more the question of how. I wish I knew how to do it. I wish that 20 years of being all alone could have taught me how to deal with it. Because even though I don't have friends, I always clung to someone so that I would have at least one person to share my emotional burden with. But what happens where there are miles and miles of metaphorical ocean between them and me, because I, for lack of a better way to put this, force them to be my friend.
Maybe I'm just an epic failure at making friends. Maybe it happened when my life changed in 3rd grade.
The saddest part of the whole thing is that everyone I come into contact with is always telling me how I'm such a fucking nice person anyone would be lucky to have me as their friend. Then why the fuck won't you? I don't want to be nice. I just want one, just one real friend because without even one connection, when I fade, there won't be anyone who will have noticed. Nobody will have cared.
But then again. Maybe that is for the best.
How can someone have no real friends in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students even after having lived in 4 different countries?
Recently, I was talking to one of my 'friends' and I told her that I hate being alone... and she turned to me and said "but you seem like a loner". I am not. I know tons of people. I say hi to tons of people. But for some reason I can't find a friend in this sea of strangers. I try. Lord knows, I try. I try to talk to people. I try to hang out with people... "I think I'm too intense and scare people away"... "I can see that" my 'friend' says.
A while before that one of my other 'friends' asked me "How do you deal with being alone all the time? I'd go insane." She had recently broken up with her boyfriend at the time and even though she was always surrounded by her friends who she loves, who adore her. Who want to hang out with her. But because she didn't have more people in this group, she felt alone. I looked at her, the incredulity blatant in my expression, but I answered her anyways. "I don't deal with. Its all I've ever known". and it is. I can go days without any human contact. Nobody other than my parents call me. Nobody ever drops by my room to say "hi" to me. My roommate who doesn't consider anyone who isn't from "back home" her friend, has more friends here than I do.
But its more the question of how. I wish I knew how to do it. I wish that 20 years of being all alone could have taught me how to deal with it. Because even though I don't have friends, I always clung to someone so that I would have at least one person to share my emotional burden with. But what happens where there are miles and miles of metaphorical ocean between them and me, because I, for lack of a better way to put this, force them to be my friend.
Maybe I'm just an epic failure at making friends. Maybe it happened when my life changed in 3rd grade.
The saddest part of the whole thing is that everyone I come into contact with is always telling me how I'm such a fucking nice person anyone would be lucky to have me as their friend. Then why the fuck won't you? I don't want to be nice. I just want one, just one real friend because without even one connection, when I fade, there won't be anyone who will have noticed. Nobody will have cared.
But then again. Maybe that is for the best.
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