Crawling Under My Skin...

There isn't a day that passes that I wish I wasn't dead. Everyday ends on a sour note. Everyday I wish I'd just die already. Everyday the thought of consuming a bottle full of Vicodin or Valium Every time that I look at, or talk to someone they are hurt. I am a hurtful person and I don't like it. My family is the first of all that I hurt. Everything I say and do hurts them. The fact that I can't trust them hurts me, and inevitably it hurts them. I'm the bane of everyone's existence. A big fat unwanted blotch on the face of humanity. Some would call it self-pity. I call it self-preservation. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to be me. Experiences make you who you are and I am what I am, accept me the way I am and don't expect me to change! I love you the way you are. I love you regardless of what you say and what you do. If you think hurting me emotionally is going to bring down those carefully constructed impenetrable walls that I've put up around my heart, you're wrong. It'll only reinforce my frigidness towards life and all that I believe in letting go. Yes, the past haunts me. Yes, it affects my decisions and my life. No, it does NOT make me unhappy or resentful. I believe in love and second-chances. I believe in miracles even though I'm not quite certain about a certain supernatural force, I am willing to believe in all that is good in the world and trust that the world is a better place.

I'm not suicidal, not in the least. I do occasionally wish I were dead, but don't we all at some point of time or the other? I'm too cowardly to take my own life and too brave to commit suicide. I'm a paradox of paradoxes. But death intrigues me and it is crawling under my very skin, burning my insides as it slithers through and permeates my blood....

Love, Emotions & Other Frivolous Things

So there's this boy whom I've not met in 4.5 years. He's the first (and probably only, well, other than my BFF (because what I have with my BFF is non-negotiable but I'll accept whatever little I get with him, I love him far too much to lose him over stupid unfounded affections that I might not even feel if I got what I wanted because often with BFFs you see that you might think you're in love with them, but you're better off as friends in the end... yeah, when it doesn't even matter *i know "BAD JOKE"*)) guy I fell in love with,. that I loved him.... and he apologized profusely for hurting me (which he never did, funnily enough)...

of course he'll never know that even after 10 years I'm still in love with him... maybe not as much as I was that day I laid eyes on his haughty smirk as he handed me my notebook in 4th Grade, or when he was knight-in-shining-armour when he was the only kid who spoke to me back then... but then again it has been an awfully long time since I've met him...

In that awfully long time I've forced (yes, FORCED) myself to "fall" in... so i guess... I've jumped in "like" with other people, who found it hilarious to try and break my heart in the worst possible ways. with words, public embarassments, by dating my friends, but breaking their hearts, stalking them, trying to be friendly with me so that I can stalk her for them... errr... TMI!

I've also been in a pseudo-relationship with a psychotically depressed pervert who I ended up dumping because I was "guilted" into the damned relationship in the first place and then I didn't really like him, he wasn't funny, or interesting, or intriguing, he was just a pervert, a high-school drop-out, unemployed loser who spent more time talking about the girl who he wished he had (and whining about himself and shifting blame on me when he hurt me) and still lived with his mother because she payed his car insurance and phone bill.

've had my heart broken a million times because I always jump for people I know will hurt me, even though technically I'm the bitch, because well... it was all in attempt to get over him...

so... yeah... nevermind...

I'm crazy... Ignore me... I have no life. I have no love. I have no emotions, just frivolous things that, well, obviously don't matter....