The last few days of college life have been crazy. Classes have been hectic, though rather boring and monotonous. I slept through part of one of my classes today, the reason I know this is because I had "Queen Elizabeth" written in my notes, I was in the fucking front row of class!! I think I have a CEE 360 homework partner, I've written to him on Facebook for the last two years and I officially met him a couple of months ago and actually spoke to him for real, and he seems like a really nice guy. Although, I think he might be a straight A student and realize what a dumbass I am... One of my really good friends is going out with this really nice guy, and they make the sweetest couple ever! I totally adore them... YAY for friends first, beau's second!! They are definitely on my list of things that make me happy. My roommate is pretty awesome! I definitely adore her. I think we compliment each other really well. But I sort of feel left out now, because all my friends now call her, and never call me, which is fine, but I like getting calls once in a while... But we have the coolest room ever! I totally dig our room! Our refridgerator broke, but we might be able to borrow our friend's fridge because he has an extra one.
I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend. Its the long weekend and most of my friends have gone home. But I know I will figure something out.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Rejected...
Haha... So I auditioned for a mediocre Acapella group yesterday... I sucked ass... So I got rejected...
I don't know how I feel about it. Relieved? Upset? I feel far too many contradictory emotions all at once. I wasn't really sure I wanted to audition anyways. But just the fact that I got rejected sort of messed me up. I think it was the scales and repeating whatever she played that threw me off my game. I sort of knew I'd be rejected. I knew it from their faces after I'd finished singing... maybe I sung songs that were too sappy or opera-y... I don't know. But I'm kind of glad I didn't get it. They said I was pitchy. Oh well. Whatever! Back to skypecasts for me... people actually ask me to marry them there.... :-P But then again that could be because some of the other people there are so terrible you need to mute your speakers for a while.
Anyways, such is life, rejection is just another 1000 rungs on the ladder of success, and I've been rejected 500+ times anyways, so I'm that much closer to success!! :D so Cheers to all the troopers who stick it out and face the day with renewed vigor and Cheers to all of those troopers who are amushed and stamped on and still find the will to stand up.
Edit: September 10th, 2008: So... According to the girl who auditioned after me, to whom I thought I'd lost the audition, they weren't really looking for new recruits... and it was just the formality of having to go through the whole audition process at the beginning of the year... Gosh, they could have just said, I wouldn't have wasted my precious time!! Losers!
I don't know how I feel about it. Relieved? Upset? I feel far too many contradictory emotions all at once. I wasn't really sure I wanted to audition anyways. But just the fact that I got rejected sort of messed me up. I think it was the scales and repeating whatever she played that threw me off my game. I sort of knew I'd be rejected. I knew it from their faces after I'd finished singing... maybe I sung songs that were too sappy or opera-y... I don't know. But I'm kind of glad I didn't get it. They said I was pitchy. Oh well. Whatever! Back to skypecasts for me... people actually ask me to marry them there.... :-P But then again that could be because some of the other people there are so terrible you need to mute your speakers for a while.
Anyways, such is life, rejection is just another 1000 rungs on the ladder of success, and I've been rejected 500+ times anyways, so I'm that much closer to success!! :D so Cheers to all the troopers who stick it out and face the day with renewed vigor and Cheers to all of those troopers who are amushed and stamped on and still find the will to stand up.
Edit: September 10th, 2008: So... According to the girl who auditioned after me, to whom I thought I'd lost the audition, they weren't really looking for new recruits... and it was just the formality of having to go through the whole audition process at the beginning of the year... Gosh, they could have just said, I wouldn't have wasted my precious time!! Losers!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Loneliness Knows Me By Name...
I think it scares me sometimes- being alone. I've never been in a relationship and it scares me that maybe I'll never find a 'special someone.' I see people around. Young people, in love, in like, in what-ever-they-want-to-call-it, and I feel happiness in their happiness, but there are times when I sigh with envy, even though I'm elated in all honesty. But then I see relationships end- lovers estranged, friendships bereft. I see the drama they go through. Scratch that. The MELODRAMA they go through and scream "Hallelujah! THANK GOD I don't have to deal with this!" But then there are times when its endearing, when you kind of crave the intimacy that causes those frayed nerves and overzealous emotions.
I think what scares me the most are my imperfections. My scars. My battle wounds. My insecurities. Some people tell me they look up to me- that they are amazed by the strength I exude, the courage and the no-bullshit attitude. But then there are those who only see a shell of a person- an uptight, fat, ugly girl trying to hold her life together as its falling apart at the seams. They see a girl who is unsure of herself and where she is going. They see the uncertainty in her eyes and prey upon it. Harvest it. They see a girl who is now a mere illusion of the person she once was, a child that was once all confident strides and friendly smiles now stumbling at every push and pull of a winding road. A child whose heart knew no bound; who loved unconditionally and let other love her the same. Not now. Not anymore. She grew up somewhere along daggers and bullets in her back. Just like everyone else. I'm not a good person. I can be spiteful and hurtful. Blunt; painfully so. I don't let anyone get in. Not really. So I'm scared. I'm scared I'll be alone. Because not only am I fat and ugly (and young men don't want that. They all want sexy women who look good on their arm) but I am also no longer of substance. I am socially awkward and introverted. I'll try and be friendly but I am often annoyed by these "friends" after a few months of association.
Maybe I'm not even looking for a partnership, relationship or friendship. But sometimes when the clouds are gloomier and the storms are thicker and the rain is falling just that little bit harder. I wonder at the thought of a companion. A companion who could hold me and tell me that its alright because they are right there with me. And I don't know what its like to be held on cold, windy days. But I'm hoping that maybe some day I will.
I think what scares me the most are my imperfections. My scars. My battle wounds. My insecurities. Some people tell me they look up to me- that they are amazed by the strength I exude, the courage and the no-bullshit attitude. But then there are those who only see a shell of a person- an uptight, fat, ugly girl trying to hold her life together as its falling apart at the seams. They see a girl who is unsure of herself and where she is going. They see the uncertainty in her eyes and prey upon it. Harvest it. They see a girl who is now a mere illusion of the person she once was, a child that was once all confident strides and friendly smiles now stumbling at every push and pull of a winding road. A child whose heart knew no bound; who loved unconditionally and let other love her the same. Not now. Not anymore. She grew up somewhere along daggers and bullets in her back. Just like everyone else. I'm not a good person. I can be spiteful and hurtful. Blunt; painfully so. I don't let anyone get in. Not really. So I'm scared. I'm scared I'll be alone. Because not only am I fat and ugly (and young men don't want that. They all want sexy women who look good on their arm) but I am also no longer of substance. I am socially awkward and introverted. I'll try and be friendly but I am often annoyed by these "friends" after a few months of association.
Maybe I'm not even looking for a partnership, relationship or friendship. But sometimes when the clouds are gloomier and the storms are thicker and the rain is falling just that little bit harder. I wonder at the thought of a companion. A companion who could hold me and tell me that its alright because they are right there with me. And I don't know what its like to be held on cold, windy days. But I'm hoping that maybe some day I will.
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