Loneliness Knows Me By Name...

I think it scares me sometimes- being alone. I've never been in a relationship and it scares me that maybe I'll never find a 'special someone.' I see people around. Young people, in love, in like, in what-ever-they-want-to-call-it, and I feel happiness in their happiness, but there are times when I sigh with envy, even though I'm elated in all honesty. But then I see relationships end- lovers estranged, friendships bereft. I see the drama they go through. Scratch that. The MELODRAMA they go through and scream "Hallelujah! THANK GOD I don't have to deal with this!" But then there are times when its endearing, when you kind of crave the intimacy that causes those frayed nerves and overzealous emotions.

I think what scares me the most are my imperfections. My scars. My battle wounds. My insecurities. Some people tell me they look up to me- that they are amazed by the strength I exude, the courage and the no-bullshit attitude. But then there are those who only see a shell of a person- an uptight, fat, ugly girl trying to hold her life together as its falling apart at the seams. They see a girl who is unsure of herself and where she is going. They see the uncertainty in her eyes and prey upon it. Harvest it. They see a girl who is now a mere illusion of the person she once was, a child that was once all confident strides and friendly smiles now stumbling at every push and pull of a winding road. A child whose heart knew no bound; who loved unconditionally and let other love her the same. Not now. Not anymore. She grew up somewhere along daggers and bullets in her back. Just like everyone else. I'm not a good person. I can be spiteful and hurtful. Blunt; painfully so. I don't let anyone get in. Not really. So I'm scared. I'm scared I'll be alone. Because not only am I fat and ugly (and young men don't want that. They all want sexy women who look good on their arm) but I am also no longer of substance. I am socially awkward and introverted. I'll try and be friendly but I am often annoyed by these "friends" after a few months of association.

Maybe I'm not even looking for a partnership, relationship or friendship. But sometimes when the clouds are gloomier and the storms are thicker and the rain is falling just that little bit harder. I wonder at the thought of a companion. A companion who could hold me and tell me that its alright because they are right there with me. And I don't know what its like to be held on cold, windy days. But I'm hoping that maybe some day I will.