Sometimes, a part of me, the angry part of me wishes that he destroy himself in the fire that he lit for himself.
But then, there's a bigger part of me, the part of me that loves him and cares about him that makes me hate myself for thinking something so horrible..
It hurts, and there is nothing I can do to fix it because he is wrapped around little fingers that play him like a puppet, just as they have played many before him and along with him, since he is not the only puppet on the strings those fingers hold.
And for a long while, the part of me that is broken irreparably, the part of me that cries when it is around him, the part of me that is oh-so-very angry and the part of me that knows he doesn't care wished that the two of them would just get together and destroy each other with such vengeful passion, it scares me- because I believe that is the only outcome for them.
I am hurt, I've made that abundantly clear.
Why is it so easy for people to take me for granted? I'm the friend everyone goes to when all their friends have turned their backs on them. But that's okay, its the story of my life. I wish it wasn't but it is. I'm the back up. The one that doesn't matter. And in the grand scheme of things I don't, but just for once I wish I did. I wish I was the one they came to when things got bad. The one they were excited to share their happiness with and comfortable enough to share their sorrows with. But I'm not. And I suppose that will just have to be okay.
Give him a chance, they say- I have. But yet he has time for the whole world but no time to take the steps to mend this broken friendship. I rescind any right he once had to worry about me- because it is blatantly clear that he doesn't. I'm done with the lies. His words are hollow and his promises count for nothing but more pain. Why must he inflict me with this pain? Was it something I did or said? Was the fact that I cared, so fucking horrifying?
He's going through a lot, they say. Aren't we all? But I only have two months. to fix this. So tell me if I'm wasting my time. Don't take his side. And I don't care if you laugh at my pain. Just tell me that you don't want to try and I will push away. Just stop leaving me hanging. Stop leaving me hopeful and then crushing it with your callousness. Because I'm giving up on hope and I can't do that. I can't afford to do that.
I CURSE THEE. I CURSE THEE with the pain that I feel because I can barely contain it. Barely hold it together, and the only reason I can is because I know that in a little while longer I will be so far away that it won't matter. That you won't matter anymore.
And that maybe, just maybe, I can start a new life. One without the residual pain of this past.
But then, there's a bigger part of me, the part of me that loves him and cares about him that makes me hate myself for thinking something so horrible..
It hurts, and there is nothing I can do to fix it because he is wrapped around little fingers that play him like a puppet, just as they have played many before him and along with him, since he is not the only puppet on the strings those fingers hold.
And for a long while, the part of me that is broken irreparably, the part of me that cries when it is around him, the part of me that is oh-so-very angry and the part of me that knows he doesn't care wished that the two of them would just get together and destroy each other with such vengeful passion, it scares me- because I believe that is the only outcome for them.
I am hurt, I've made that abundantly clear.
Why is it so easy for people to take me for granted? I'm the friend everyone goes to when all their friends have turned their backs on them. But that's okay, its the story of my life. I wish it wasn't but it is. I'm the back up. The one that doesn't matter. And in the grand scheme of things I don't, but just for once I wish I did. I wish I was the one they came to when things got bad. The one they were excited to share their happiness with and comfortable enough to share their sorrows with. But I'm not. And I suppose that will just have to be okay.
Give him a chance, they say- I have. But yet he has time for the whole world but no time to take the steps to mend this broken friendship. I rescind any right he once had to worry about me- because it is blatantly clear that he doesn't. I'm done with the lies. His words are hollow and his promises count for nothing but more pain. Why must he inflict me with this pain? Was it something I did or said? Was the fact that I cared, so fucking horrifying?
He's going through a lot, they say. Aren't we all? But I only have two months. to fix this. So tell me if I'm wasting my time. Don't take his side. And I don't care if you laugh at my pain. Just tell me that you don't want to try and I will push away. Just stop leaving me hanging. Stop leaving me hopeful and then crushing it with your callousness. Because I'm giving up on hope and I can't do that. I can't afford to do that.
I CURSE THEE. I CURSE THEE with the pain that I feel because I can barely contain it. Barely hold it together, and the only reason I can is because I know that in a little while longer I will be so far away that it won't matter. That you won't matter anymore.
And that maybe, just maybe, I can start a new life. One without the residual pain of this past.
2 comments:
I am sorry that someone makes you feel this way...it is very hurtful when this happens especially when it is a guy...but don't fret...you will out of here soon...and he doesn't deserve you anyways! :)
ohh...btw! :P It should be "quiet" ramblings, right? Not "quite"!
Post a Comment