So there's this boy whom I've not met in 4.5 years. He's the first (and probably only, well, other than my BFF (because what I have with my BFF is non-negotiable but I'll accept whatever little I get with him, I love him far too much to lose him over stupid unfounded affections that I might not even feel if I got what I wanted because often with BFFs you see that you might think you're in love with them, but you're better off as friends in the end... yeah, when it doesn't even matter *i know "BAD JOKE"*)) guy I fell in love with,. that I loved him.... and he apologized profusely for hurting me (which he never did, funnily enough)...of course he'll never know that even after 10 years I'm still in love with him... maybe not as much as I was that day I laid eyes on his haughty smirk as he handed me my notebook in 4th Grade, or when he was knight-in-shining-armour when he was the only kid who spoke to me back then... but then again it has been an awfully long time since I've met him...
In that awfully long time I've forced (yes, FORCED) myself to "fall" in... so i guess... I've jumped in "like" with other people, who found it hilarious to try and break my heart in the worst possible ways. with words, public embarassments, by dating my friends, but breaking their hearts, stalking them, trying to be friendly with me so that I can stalk her for them... errr... TMI!
I've also been in a pseudo-relationship with a psychotically depressed pervert who I ended up dumping because I was "guilted" into the damned relationship in the first place and then I didn't really like him, he wasn't funny, or interesting, or intriguing, he was just a pervert, a high-school drop-out, unemployed loser who spent more time talking about the girl who he wished he had (and whining about himself and shifting blame on me when he hurt me) and still lived with his mother because she payed his car insurance and phone bill.
've had my heart broken a million times because I always jump for people I know will hurt me, even though technically I'm the bitch, because well... it was all in attempt to get over him...
so... yeah... nevermind...
I'm crazy... Ignore me... I have no life. I have no love. I have no emotions, just frivolous things that, well, obviously don't matter....
7 comments:
From an outside point of view, you give me the impression that you are willing to compromise your principals or what you believe to be right in your heart in order to have a relationship with a guy. This BFF of yours doesn't want to commit, so you are willing to set aside your desire for a commitment to get "what you want" from the relationship - when it doesn't sound like having the relationship without a commitment is "what you want" at all! My advice - take time away from him and think about "what you want" for yourself. What is your deepest desire? Is he fulfilling that for you today? If he never changes, will you look back and have regrets? You have one life to live and can't do it over. Make sure you are fulfilling your heart's desires.
Rae
Hey Rae, it's been a while, How've you been? I barely have time to read. I manage to post these and then dissappear for days on end. My Bestfriend and I are something else. We have the most awkward friendship in the history of mankind. I love him to death, I would put my life on the line for him, and I know he's got my back... always. Do I "love" him in a romantically inclined way? I have no idea, it would just seem so "idealistic", ya'know? who doesn't love there best-friends? It's like almost every girl who has a best-friend of the opposite sex is "in love" with them. I'm not going to be cliched enough to believe that, because, with him I'm pretty certain that we're just better off as friends, we're too different, and we're too dependent on each other for things that people in romantic relationships do not have. And that is why I'm willing to take "what i get" with him.
The other guy, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him even if he asked. I fell for him when I was 8 and I've done some awful things to get over him... well not really awful, but immature, like conditioning myself to believe I like someone else, someone i know wouldn't like me back, and then getting my heart broken. I have a long way to go here. I need to get my life together, get over him and move on; find someone whose imperfections I can fall in love with and not with some who is so idealistic nor someone whom I've put on a pedestal in my mind/heart.
T.
Okay, I get what you mean about everything but "I'll accept whatever little I get with him" (your BFF). Are you intimate, if that's not too personal? You give me the impression that you are. If so, I believe that is confusing your feelings for him. Sex was designed (by God) to bring two people together and make them one. But it's usually different for guys than it is girls. Guys can detach themselves from the emotion and focus purely on the physical. Girls usually give in to sex in a situation like that hoping it will bring out deeper feelings from the guy. It almost never works and in fact the opposite usually occurs. He sees her for what she is - manipulative. Men usually find women who don't give in irresistable. Why? She values herself more than she values the relationship. My opinion, anyway... What do you think?
Hahaha. No, not intimate with him. Its just friendship. I've never been in a relationship of any sort other than just friendship (unless you count the folly of a psuedo-relationship with a boy I didn't give diddly-squat about; but I never even kissed him).
But yes, I agree with your respect yourself and others will respect you theory.
I've had really good male friends like that and it's hard because the simple fact that they are of the opposite sex always seems to bring thoughts in about whether or not the relationship should go further. In one case we took it further and got pretty serious, but it didn't work out. We are still friends but it'll never be the way it was...
Someone will come along for you and when it happens, you won't be wondering if he's the right one. You'll know... :)
Rae
hahaha. yeah. thats what I'm hoping will happen, lol. I'm not exactly what men really want...
are u still in contact with the boy u liked so much when u were younger
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