There isn't a day that passes that I wish I wasn't dead. Everyday ends on a sour note. Everyday I wish I'd just die already. Everyday the thought of consuming a bottle full of Vicodin or Valium Every time that I look at, or talk to someone they are hurt. I am a hurtful person and I don't like it. My family is the first of all that I hurt. Everything I say and do hurts them. The fact that I can't trust them hurts me, and inevitably it hurts them. I'm the bane of everyone's existence. A big fat unwanted blotch on the face of humanity. Some would call it self-pity. I call it self-preservation. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to be me. Experiences make you who you are and I am what I am, accept me the way I am and don't expect me to change! I love you the way you are. I love you regardless of what you say and what you do. If you think hurting me emotionally is going to bring down those carefully constructed impenetrable walls that I've put up around my heart, you're wrong. It'll only reinforce my frigidness towards life and all that I believe in letting go. Yes, the past haunts me. Yes, it affects my decisions and my life. No, it does NOT make me unhappy or resentful. I believe in love and second-chances. I believe in miracles even though I'm not quite certain about a certain supernatural force, I am willing to believe in all that is good in the world and trust that the world is a better place.I'm not suicidal, not in the least. I do occasionally wish I were dead, but don't we all at some point of time or the other? I'm too cowardly to take my own life and too brave to commit suicide. I'm a paradox of paradoxes. But death intrigues me and it is crawling under my very skin, burning my insides as it slithers through and permeates my blood....
12 comments:
There isn't a day that goes by for me when I don't thank God for my life and what I have. Death doesn't scare me because I believe in eternity, but I also have a family and hope I can watch my daughters get married someday and can be an awesome grandma to my grandkids. To me, life is a gift and an opportunity to grow.
I think your belief system is getting in the way of you enjoying your life. You have to be neutral to everything, it seems, and you are constantly discounting your feelings as if they mean nothing. God gave you those feelings for a reason. I hope you continue to explore your beliefs and I pray God reaches out to you.
Rae
My family is the reason I'm scared of crossing over... I'm not scared of death, never scared of it, intrigued by it, yes, but not scared.
I turn to death because I'm running away from the disappointment that I am to my loved ones (parents, family, etc.). And I run away from death because if its not natural I will be hurting my loved ones indefinitely.
Life is all that for me too and I love life, don't get me wrong; I'm just very frustrated with all the twist, turns, emotional blackmails, disappointments, expectations that I cannot fulfill... I'm not a resentful person, I just hurt at times.
I'm not saying I've been through tragedy in my life. I haven't. I haven't been through anything gravely disturbing or damaging. I just don't trust people (my parents included). Yes I believe there is good in this world, but also that it is limited.
Hi - good to talk to you again too.
Sometimes when we have to deal with problems, we look for solutions and it seems from your posts that you often look to death as a possible solution. I am asking you to condition yourself to look at other options. You are right - you would be hurting your family deeply if you chose to take your life.
Recently I was at the funeral of my 16 year old nephew who took his life. It was over a girl. The funeral was enormous and I couldn't help but think "Look at all the lives he touched". He didn't even realize how many people outside his family that loved him, were inspired by him, felt a connection with him...
Death is final. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I hope you find other outlets that get your mind off yourself and place the focus on the good of others. You are a bright girl and I know many people would benefit by being in your presence.
Rae
Suicide is a permanent solution - only for you and that too is because you don't see beyond it. You probably can't.
Ask a brother whose lost his sister, a mother whose lost her daughter.. i see the pain in my aunt's eyes everyday.. everythin changed the day her daughter left her and went... life changed for me .. if anything happens to you.. i cant say much about neone else.. i know i wont be able to take it and u'll probably take me with u..
I dont want you to live for others.. because of others.. i want you to realise the value of YOUR life.. cuz it is indeed very precious..
you are someone i love.. and u r someone i adore.. the ones who love u.. love u the way u r.. manny want u to change but may be thats cuz they think it'd do u better if u chnged.. as long as u love yrself.. nd r happy with urself.. NOTHING else matters..
i see a reflection of me in you.. n i fear u'll u what i did sometime ago. But tan.. I want u to know that its gonna hurt those who really love u.. n none others.
I've seen death so close.. it isnt a pleasant experience.. after the valium incident.. when i woke up after a week or soemthing.. i saw my dad in tears and all he said was.. "what did we do wrong? how did we hurt you?"..
i didnt have an answer to his questions.. and i still don;t.. but i realised that day what i was just gonna do..
change your outlook on life.. it may not have been the best journey so far.. but god balances everythin..
you are not a disappointment to anyone.. its the way you'e chosen to see urself..
You're bright and you can make a difference.. go ahead and do what you do best..!laugh and smile .. oh yes.. not to forget.. become some sort of physics genius!
I love you so much.. i could trade nothing for urself.. dont leave me and go.. don't ever think of anythin like that..
and you know what.. speak everythin u hold in ur heart.. the hearts not meant t hold onto so much.. thats why we have the ability to talk.. and start to trust once again..
people cheat.. but its not always gonna be like that.. just be careful bout who you trust..
love you LOTS..!
Hi thanks Rae. I understand what you're saying but you must understand most of my posts are written in the heat of the moment. I'm not going to kill myself anytime soon. I have too much to do and too much to live for...
Prekz, darling, honey... I'm not going to leave you... ever. You're stuck with this silly, goofy, ex-roommate of yours for the rest of your life. I love you too much to put you through misery, you of all people should know that. When Tanvi loves, she loves with all that she is no-strings-attached. The reason I wrote this was because it was on my mind at that time. I'd just had a fight with my mother, and you know that those never end well. We've both been lured by the comfort death provides, and we're both stronger because of it. I hope I didn't scare you with my silly words and I hope you can find comfort in the fact that I never intend to go looking for death... I will never ever commit (or even try to commit) suicide. It's not who I am and not who I was meant to be. I hope you're doing alright.
Phew! Good - I'm glad to hear that it's not something you would ever really do. I don't know you, but through your posts so that's all i have to go on! But even though I don't know you, I still care what happens to you. I am praying for you and for your relationship with your mom.
Love,
Rae
At one point of time in my life, I was inclined to take my own life. But once I stared death in the face, and since that time, I realized how precious life is and how wrong I'd been. Most of my "deathly" thoughts are out of frustration more than anything else...
My mum and I are trying to work out the kinks in our relationship. We have a long way to go before either of us is healed enough to let go but we're beginning... and thats whats most important
Thank you, Rae. For listening, for caring and for praying. and know that I do too. :)
what would u like to ideally be 5-10 yrs from now, do u have any goal as such, like for example mine is to lose weight
weights one of my concerns too... in 5 years I'd have been done with my graduation and hopefully have been working 2 years and probably be entering a master program... in 10 years I hope to be married and have a child or two, work and be a good wife and mother and all other relations that still exist...
well u have great goals. My reason was asking was that what keeps me going are my goals, i love getting up in the morning and going for a jog and focusing on my goal of losing weight, which is somewhat of a challenge (dont get me wrong, i am not obsessed, but it can get depressing when everyone around u is so much healthier) and this way i can look forward to the day when i am healthier...it sort of keeps me going...i chanel all my anger and frustration into the excercise and stuff....so maybe if u can sort of focus on ur goals when things get tough and how great it will be in the future when u have achieved them....although, i understand that different things work for different people, i am just sharing my experience....also a good jog or workout can make u feel better, release better hormones so maybe u would like to incorporate that into ur life
hope things work out for
Thanks... :D good luck! :D and now... back to a grueling semester of hard work...
Hi Tanvi - just stopped by to say I hope school is going well for you. I think of you and pray for you often.
Mary
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