Same-Sex Marriage. Vote NO on Prop 8!

I am 22 years old virgin who has never even kissed someone. I am mostly straight. I do not intend to marry because I think men are too immature and women are too emotional, but I do intend to have children.

Marriage existed way before religion did- it was about commitment and love. You can have children out of wedlock- its very common. Marriage has not been about bringing children into the world for a very long time.
Gay people can be parents too. I think if a home is built on love, it shouldn't matter whether the parents are of opposite genders or not. There are hundreds of thousands of orphans who live less than par lives. Even children who have parents but live shitty lives- A most of the time a family, yes, even a gay one, can provide a stable home for these children to grow up in - have luxuries they would not be afforded otherwise and most importantly BE LOVED!


How does someone else's marriage affect yours? Does them being married prevent you from making babies with your wife? Does it force you to have to live in different rooms? Does it make you and your wife file for divorce? No. It has no bearing on anybody else's marriage.

And No, civil unions do NOT have the same privileges and benefits that legal marriages do.

I think that anybody should be allowed to marry the person they love. Whether a church lets them do it, is the church's decision, but legally, I think anybody should have the right to marry and raise children. If your church decides not to let gay people marry then fine- but how does it matter if legally they can be married?

I think it is FOR our generation that we needed to vote NO on Prop 8!

If you live your life by God's word- live it- don't fester in hatred and start deviating from the path that God has set out for human-kind to follow. Live your life sin free- stop looking for a cause to fight against and a group of people to hate- that was never what God intended.

This is the same fight we had for inter-racial marriage. "It is unholy and ungodly!" Do not assume God's mind and thoughts- when judgment day comes we will all be in the balance and out sins will receive the punishment they deserve. Who are we to judge others for their sins when we commit sin everyday.

Gay people are not killing anyone by being married. They are not stealing something by being married. They are making a commitment to one another- it shows that promiscuity is not a part of their lives- how is that a bad thing? I think people are scared of is that same-sex marriages could be more stable than heterosexual marriages. I think it scares people that the idea they had of gay people being vulgar, promiscuous and perverted is being overturned to show that they are loving, caring people capable of making a life long commitment to the person they love.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/painfullystoic

Broken

Sometimes, a part of me, the angry part of me wishes that he destroy himself in the fire that he lit for himself.

But then, there's a bigger part of me, the part of me that loves him and cares about him that makes me hate myself for thinking something so horrible..

It hurts, and there is nothing I can do to fix it because he is wrapped around little fingers that play him like a puppet, just as they have played many before him and along with him, since he is not the only puppet on the strings those fingers hold.

And for a long while, the part of me that is broken irreparably, the part of me that cries when it is around him, the part of me that is oh-so-very angry and the part of me that knows he doesn't care wished that the two of them would just get together and  destroy each other with such vengeful passion, it scares me- because I believe that is the only outcome for them.

I am hurt, I've made that abundantly clear.

Why is it so easy for people to take me for granted? I'm the friend everyone goes to when all their friends have turned their backs on them. But that's okay, its the story of my life. I wish it wasn't but it is. I'm the back up. The one that doesn't matter. And in the grand scheme of things I don't, but just for once I wish I did. I wish I was the one they came to when things got bad. The one they were excited to share their happiness with and comfortable enough to share their sorrows with. But I'm not. And I suppose that will just have to be okay.

Give him a chance, they say- I have. But yet he has time for the whole world but no time to take the steps to mend this broken friendship. I rescind any right he once had to worry about me- because it is blatantly clear that he doesn't. I'm done with the lies. His words are hollow and his promises count for nothing but more pain. Why must he inflict me with this pain? Was it something I did or said? Was the fact that I cared, so fucking horrifying?

He's going through a lot, they say. Aren't we all? But I only have two months. to fix this. So tell me if I'm wasting my time. Don't take his side. And I don't care if you laugh at my pain. Just tell me that you don't want to try and I will push away. Just stop leaving me hanging. Stop leaving me hopeful and then crushing it with your callousness. Because I'm giving up on hope and I can't do that. I can't afford to do that.
 I CURSE THEE. I CURSE THEE with the pain that I feel because I can barely contain it. Barely hold it together, and the only reason I can is because I know that in a little while longer I will be so far away that it won't matter. That you won't matter anymore.

And that maybe, just maybe, I can start a new life. One without the residual pain of this past.

Why are you doing this?

He's acting so weird.

He's hugging me, rubbing my arm and back in comfort. Before he'd cringe. He'd have died before he touched someone in comfort or let them comfort him.

I don't recognize him.

He asks me if he should change his plans because I asked him if he wanted to do something in the spur of the moment. When I said that it didn't matter, he gave me an alternative option. While not new a new trait, the extent to which he is going is new!

I don't recognize him.

He asked me to go on a walk with him. He NEVER wanted to go on a walk with me before. I'd asked him so many times!


Who is this person?


I don't want you to do me any favors. I don't want you to try to make it better because I'm leaving. I don't need that. I don't need you to be someone you're not. Not for me. I've wished you were different. But I've NEVER tried to change you. Not for me.

It hurts. So much worse than all those other lies.

Is it because He's been telling you what I've been telling him? Because I've been telling him how I'm hurting because of you. Is that why you're acting this way? Being this person I barely recognize?

Is it because you know I've been thinking so much about cutting you out of my life? Is that why?

Or is this just your way of saying goodbye before you cut me out of your life?

But in any case. Talk to me. Because more than all this bullshit touch-happy you, I want to know why. I want the real you. Because that is my best friend.

Starry Skies and Cold Night Air

How can it all fall in place,
When the pieces have
Shattered apart,
Lost in the cracks of a broken humanity?

Each day that we live is a lie,
Each moment too good to be true
We take what we get
and try to move on to a better life.

Thoughts scatter like mice
I'm running without direction
I'm searching for truth
At the price of Salvation

Who am I?
Who are you to tell me
that I'm not enough?
I am.

How can we hold it together?
When words cut like knife blades
Tearing you apart in ways
you never thought were possible?

How can we pick ourselves up?
When we've fallen so low
And been trodden on
So many times before?

Each day that we live is a lie,
Each moment too good to be true
We take what we get
and try to move on to a better life.

Friend Drama

So I've been angry at a few of my friends lately. They like to ignore problems. But that doesn't make me feel any less crappy. And I vent through my poetry, so here goes.

I don't like being lied to. I hate it. If you can't do something- say that. Don't give me bullshit excuses like "I'm too tired" or "I think I want to be alone right now" or even "I have so much stuff to do" and then go hang out with other people. If I know them- chances are I'll find out. And that hurts a lot more than "Oh, I think I want to hang out with so-and-so tonight"...

If you make a new friend- don't tell me that the reason you're friends with them and hang out with them are exact same things I've been telling you/trying to get you to do for months. Especially, when I never see you anymore. That really really really fucking hurt. And I don't even think you know that.

Don't tell me you can't make plans because you always cancel. Because that is bullshit and you know it. "Want to have lunch?" "I can't I usually eat with so-and-so on such-and-such days" ... didn't we make plans like those too? Nice to see that those don't matter to you. Fuck you too.

**************************************
So you’d rather be their friend
Don’t pretend to be mine
I don’t need false promises
Or the protection of a lie

Bullshit to “taking old friends for granted”
Bullshit on the “I’d take a bullet for you”
You say you worry about me,
But that’s just bullshit too.

“She needs a friend”? And I don’t?
Everyone I know is gone.
You were my one of my best friends
But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

You dropped me like a hot pan
As soon as there were others
Well, fuck you, Mr. I-have-no-time
I don’t need you either.

I’m stronger than I seem
I won’t break if I cry
I don’t need your misplace sympathy
Or the comfort of your lie

You weren’t there when I needed you
And you say you don’t need me at all
So why stay in this beatless tango
Of a friendship with no cause.

Because if you really gave a shit
You’d know I’d like to see it
I might not seem like the sentimental kind
But if you’d listened, you’d know better.

I refuse to let you bring me down
Or feel unloved-
Because I have me,
And that is more than enough.

Lost a friend...

How do I tell you that you're hurting me? That you make me feel insignificant. That when we talk I feel like I don't exist, and that after we're done, I'm in such emotional pain that I need to cry for hours on end?

How do I tell you... that I don't think we can fix it, that we can't go back to that. Not right now anyhow. Especially not when he's still around? Because when we're with him, its not just the way you make me feel when its just the two of us, but you humiliate me. In public. In front of his friends who don't know either of us. In front of his girlfriend. In front of my friends, who I can't put in the position of choosing between us. Even though they're graduating this semester and leaving me behind... She's my best friend- but I still don't want her to have to chose between us.  And because you're more assertive and pushy and loud and demanding, I will continue to have to hang out with you if I want to see her. Even though I feel like shite afterward.


Why is it that despite me having told you this, you still refuse to acknowledge how I feel- still refuse to accept that I feel a certain way without what I feel being "stupid" or "ridiculous"?

If you hurt me or humiliate me, why should I let you? Especially since the very thing you are humiliating me for is the very think you do repeatedly. "Why are you being nosy? Why do you need to know? You don't need to know! If I have plan with him/her and I want to include you, I will tell you! Stop being so nosy all the time. Nobody likes nosy people. My plans with him/her are my plans with them, why do you have to interfere, if I want you to know I will tell you." You yell at me from across the table when I innocently inquired what you were talking about and he tells me that you want to go to the dentist. And then you call me up two days after I tell you that we can't be friends demanding to know where I am and what I am doing and ask me if I want to have dinner with you. You tell people what I am doing as though my schedule is yours to decide. When did you become my datebook? Who gave you that fucking authority? And because I feel bad for being mean and saying "no", I call and tell you I can and you spend the entire time throwing a fit in the middle of the road because you banged your shoes into the pavement and the leather chaffed?

And then you ask me how in the hell I can fell insignificant?

I can't do it. I can't. I feel like my insides are being ripped to shreds.

I can't do it. We can not be friends. Why can't you understand that!?



This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Frozen with the shock of your cruelty as my heart is shattered into a billion pieces.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not mad because he likes someone else. I didn't expect my feelings to be reciprocated. Heck, its the story of my life.

In fact, as crazy as it sounds, I'm ecstatic that he found someone he like and went after it.

A little bit of a warning would have been nice- especially since it was only the two of them and me there when he decided to pursue something with her. and he fucking knew how I felt about him.

So no. I'm not upset because he likes someone else. I'm upset because he decided to rip my heart right out of my chest, stamp on it repeatedly, flay it, set it on fire, and then try to put it back in place.

It was worse than the public humiliation in 11th Grade from the guy I was conditioning myself to like. AND the "I liked you in 6th grade" from the guy I was in love with for a decade and to whom I'd confessed my feeling for in the 6th grade.

How could he have been so cold-hearted and cruel? Even though he didn't owe me anything- he could have been a little more compassionate, right?

And the "oh, I'm glad you told me, I don't think it will be weird between us" was not even close to closure or rejection. It was vague and could have meant anything. Way to be precise and let me know how he really felt. He is an asshole.

But then... why does it still hurt?

Celebrities who live in Glass Closets.

This was written in response to something a friend wrote in her blog. Paraphrased, it said: She wishes [a certain celebrity] would come out publicly. [they] have been spotted at various gay-rights/marriage-equality events with [their] partner, but [they] have never actively confirmed or denied any allegations about [their] sexuality. She implied, that as a celebrity, it was [their] duty to come out because it would inspire young LGBTQQA people to come out too. 


***This was my irrelevant and completely useless reply***


I have a story to share.

My first exposure to gay anything was the Russian duet TATU and their "All the Things She Said" lesbian make-out video. Even then, I had to google what it meant and then found out about gay people. I was watching one of their videos on TV and my mum came in and said "Aren't they lesbians?" and I just shook my head dumbfounded. Not because I thought it was wrong, more because I used to be uncomfortable talking about any kind of sexual orientation with my parents... I didn't grow up in a "Gay people are sinners" environment, in case you didn't notice, I didn't even know the word Gay meant something other than "happy" till I was like 14-ish... I didn't care either which way. I had no stand on the issue. It didn't matter to me.

Fast forward a few years. I don't know when I became an Ally, I think it happened after I came to the U.S., I became immensely passionate about gay-rights and LGBTQQA issues. My ideologies about human sexuality changed. I wasn't going to lie that I had never been attracted to a woman, maybe it wasn't the same kind of attraction or the same intensity of attraction I had towards a man, but it still existed, however small and negligible. I think society does default the "straight" label. Which is why I gave it up, even though, I might not actually be queer.

Why did I give up the security blanket? Because my bigot of a brother had the AUDACITY to say "If you're a lesbian, don't bring your girlfriend home." and I had the audacity to think that "Thank God, I'm not!"... That was the day I dropped the label. I haven't taken a label, which is why I called myself "a version of queer"... From the first day I saw the TATU video, I thought, love is love- even though it was a bit of a shocker. I was one of those shy, blushing and averting her eyes when anyone kissed on TV kinda girls, though.

I am in a Social Issues Theater ensemble, and one of the characters I'm playing right now is gay and she says "This is a tough one, being gay that is. Well, it doesn't have to be. Society makes it harder, Parents make it harder, YOU make it harder on yourself."

I think we expect too much out of celebrities. Just because they are in the public eye, it doesn't mean that they are obligated to fulfill a social responsibility but coming out to the world! It isn't the world's goddamn business in the first place.

Maybe I'm just one of those special little kids who grew up thinking love can't be wrong. I mean, my brother is a damn bigot and we grew up in the same household. I come from a country where being gay is still punishable by law, and lived in many where being gay will get you executed. Maybe I'm just full of love because I never had anyone share it with and think it is pure. I don't know.

I wish I had answers to why people are the way they are about the issue. I wish I did. I might not even be queer and I'm still proud and sort of out (If someone asks me, I'll tell them what I think straight up (no pun intended :P), but I don't go around telling people that)... I just don't understand hatred because the people who hate are followers of God, and I cannot see God, if he/she/it does exist, hating anyone or anything because of who/what they/it are/is.

♥


I think my point was that I think people lean too much on celebrities. I think sometimes it is a very big burden for them to bear. Not all of them are the sharpest tools in the box. We give them this social burden just because they are in the public eye. But really, honestly speaking, they owe us nothing. They are not obligated to uphold the social responsiblity we give them.

Its like the thing someone said about stigmas. [if we want being gay NOT to be some kind of stigma we have to stop acting like it is.]

I don't know why [certain celebrities] exist in the glass closet. Maybe it really does have to do with [them] being private [people] mixed with the fact that his career matters. I think the U.S. is a very charged place. There is so much hatred in the air it is stifling.

It was called the land of opportunity and freedom. Now its a cesspool, festering with hatred. And I think that is society's fault.

I'm not trying to deny the fact that we do lean on celebrities. That if they came out, it would be easier for insecure/scare/worried gay kids to come out. It would. Which what I think is sad. I KNOW it is scary. I know that for some it would mean losing everything they have. All the love they've ever been given. I mean, risking "I'll love you no matter what you do" parents who turn their backs.

I think as long as [those certain celebrities are] out to those [they] cares about, it doesn't matter what [they] says to the media. [They're] out. Regardless of what we know, think or think we know.

But you know... Maybe that's just me.

I hope I didn't offend anyone who read my story. I know how mad some people get when someone says "I do not define my sexuality" She's gay. She's just ashamed of who she is. FUCK YOU (not you, just people who'd say that in general), IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU'D KNOW I'D BE A FUCKING PROUD LESBIAN AND I WOULD NOT BE ASHAMED TO SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS. But you know, I've never been in any sort of relationship (except one cesspool of emotional crap over the internet that I was guilted into. He was an asshole. I dumped his ass once I realized that just because he's depressed and said things like "I thought you were going to break up with me, All the way home I kept thinking about crashing my car and committing suicide" he wasn't really going to do it. AND that is was NOT good for my emotional, physical or mental health/stability) so what do I know?

Ai update

So my screen cannot be fixed by the time I leave.

This means that I'm probably going to get my mothers old laptop, ugh! It has no DVD/CD Drive. Which sucks dirty, scum and fungus covered balls.

Even though I re-counted and have enough money for a new one, my parents refuse to let me buy one. Goddamnitalltohellandbeyond! I'm twenty-fucking-one years old (almost)! WHY do I need their permission to do this again? Agreed, I'd rather keep the money and go to see the boys in NY, or the boys in LA (BigFantastic)... but it comes down to necessity! and right about now, Laptop trumps meeting either set of boys (although, I probably won't be allowed to go either place anyways)... D: This is one of the only two reason why I wish I was American. Although, it might not seem so, it really is the land of opportunities (for Americans at least)... D:

ETA: My parents are planning to sell all the old laptops (4) if we get a decent deal. I have no idea what that means for me though... I really really really don't want a Vista. But what the fuck, I won't complain. New is better than anything I would have gotten...

I wonder if I can convince my parents to split cost on a Mac with me. *ponders* ... I'll talk to my dad when they get back from their leadership conference (Oh Fuck! Saturday will be Lecture day!)

Ai went bust... :(

Ai quasi-died today. *cries*

His LCD is loose and no longer displays anything D:

This means I need to buy a new laptop :( I wanted to wait till Windows 7 came out but TPTB hate me and are out to get me... I really really really didn't want to change right now... *aaaarrrrggghhhh*... BTW, this means I won't be online on IM clients anymore... sorry guys. *hugs her peeps* I'm there with you in spirit though... and I'll try to be on LJ a little bit...

Damnit I hope I can afford a new one. School will be a pain in the rear end if I can't!!! *grrr*

Why have all my posts been so whiny lately? *whine* *whine* *whine*

D:
...

at least till I get a new/different laptop... D:

Argh!!

1) My parents still haven't given me complete access to my laptop... D:

2) My internet is shetbags

3) My being caught up with Fic-pride has made a complete 180 because at this rate, by the time I get back to school I will be so far behind on fic that I'm going to need an entire lifetime catch up...

4) My father recently told me that if I don't finish my undergrad in 4 years, he won't pay for the extra... In May we talked about this and he said that I could take 5 years if I wanted... I only wanted 4 1/2 years... but I guess that's not going to happen either, and there is no way that I can finish by May 2010!!! NO WAY WHATSOEVER!!

5) My acting dreams have turned to shite because of this new turn of events... D:

6) Network Marketing is making comeback in a huge way, Robert Kiyosaki, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet and etc. have often talked about its merits and it has now become an official course at both the University of Illinois... and other universities around the country... How interesting... now if only I could become more serious about it and actually work at it... especially since the network marketing company I am a representative of has amazingly awesome products like things called a biodiscs and chi pendants... D: and its not like its door-to-door salesmanship either... I just need to get off my fat arse... it could help with 4 and 5 if I actually worked at it... but my contract with ResLife prohibits me from actually doing anything about it... D:

7) I don't think I'm ready for my final road test... I'm confident, that's not the issue... its the fact that the damn car swerves so much... I'm certain I will be pulled over for breathalyzers every now and again whether or not I've actually been drinking... and I think my instructor doesn't trust my driving... I adore my driving :D

8) I need to catch up on three weeks worth of True Blood episodes (including this week's since I won't be able to watch it)

9) I want to go back to my dorm room in school, but I think living without a roommate will be intensely lonely, and I don't want to go back to the lonliness... not that it ever leaves me for more than two minutes...

10) My father wants me to invite one of his friend's sons to spend time with my brother and I... except I don't really want to...

11) I am so far behind on editting and update my fics that I am embarassed... I knew this would happen!!

For fear of my life and sanity...

To all my friends,

My father just threatened to both break my laptop and disown me. I nearly drew blood biting myself to keep from saying anything. Since I'm going to be here for another month, I have to do what I can to keep myself from going over the deep end that I thought I was miles and miles away from. Turns out, not so much. You can only be so happy before it comes and bites you in the ass and takes you by surprise. Don't worry. I'm working on holding onto vines in such a way that I can pull myself back up again...

I'll still try and post my mediocre stories for the love you all give me for it (I'm an attention whore and I love being loved). And I will try to read all the stories even though I might not be able to comment since I'm crunched for time online. If I can't read them now I will read them after August 4.

I love you all.

I wish I could be left to grieve in my own isolated way, rather than their "lets be a family, because we're all we have, lets talk about our... feelings!" way. But I do love my family and I'd rather not lose them over something as stupid as accessing the internet to feel my isolation... It's not that I don't like sharing my feelings. I just don't like sharing them with THEM because they belittle them (for example: When I told my mother I needed help last year (because I felt I was becoming unstable again). She told me to stop being a drama queen)...

Also, I can't tell my parents how I really feel, because what I have to say would be extremely disrespectful in my culture. The double standards kill me. "You need to open a line of communication with us, we can't be the only ones trying to make an effort."--"Don't talk to us that way. If that is how you feel its better if you didn't talk to us at all"

I can't wait to get back on August 4.

Also, my brother has Jaundice. Ugh. Poor kid. I feel so bad for him. I need to take care of him as well... so I'm going to preoccupy myself with treating him like an invalid like my grandmother (maternal obviously) is doing. Did I mention that I feel bad for the kid? I'd hate being treated like I'm incapable of going to the bathroom by myself, I can only imagine how that kid feel. Although he's probably happy that I won't bug him about doing his own dishes now :p... Off to be Florence Nightingale for the day. :D

Cheers!

T.

I miss you...

My Dadi (paternal grandma) passed away on June 9, 2009. It was sudden and unexpected even though she had been sick for a long long long time now. She was cremated on June 10, 2009. Yes, this is related to my last f-locked post. I am India for another 12-ish hours... This is more emotion and random thoughts than a poem...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You always gave us happiness and so much love
But can I be selfish and not be strong this once?
Can be selfish, just this once more?
Can keep you with me and never let go?

Can I carry you with me though all of my life
Through all of my tears and all of my joy?
Because there are so many things I still have to say
And so many things you still have to see

So can I be your eyes
And your ears from now on,
Even though I know its Heaven
That you’re looking down on us from

Can I believe that it’s temporary,
This distance between us?
Can I believe it’s a vacation
That you’re not coming back from?
One that we’ll join you on someday;
That it’s just another stop in the soul’s journey.

How do I say goodbye
When I’m not ready to let you go?
When we’d spoken a few days ago
And I said I’d be seeing you soon?

How do I say goodbye
When I know you haven’t left?
Maybe in some ways,
But you’re with us in so many.

How do I say goodbye
When I’ve missed my chance?
One simple wish I couldn’t fulfill-
Just another time I took it for granted
And you still forgave.

I never said thank you for that,
And now I’ll never get the chance…

(June 11, 2009)

Private: Let me say 'I love you' just one last time...

I won't be around for a little while. Personal stuff and all that jazz. I need to be in India and we're leaving in less than 9 hours. I just found out. I cannot expound on why or when I will be back. I just need to go away for a little while. I might come back before I think I might because the one thing I'm best at doing is running away from my own emotions. But I need to be strong. So send me strength so that I can be strong for everyone else. So that I won't crack and break apart- because they needme to be strong, because I know they can't be. Hope that everything in the universe will right itself again... because the ground just slipped from under my feet...

Dear God,

I hate you. I have always believed steadfastly that 'hate' is too strong a word. But, I hate you.

You have a cruel sense of humor.

- Me.

Parents

So my parents got back from Malaysia today. Whoop-de-doo! o_o

I got yelled at for the drama from yesterday... It wasn't my fault!

Then my grandmother got me really angry because she refused to eat unless I ate with her and I was not hungry (she is so frustrating, I feel like hurting myself really badly when I'm with her, and I'm so glad she does not know that)... so I declared a hunger-strike, which got me yelled at again...

and then I got yelled at for saying I'm still hungry after I'd finished lunch at 3pm.... and then again when I forgot to put my parents week-worth of clothes from Malaysia for a wash... and then again when I told my mum I still had not looked up flights...

:(

....

Learning how to NOT hit pedestrians when in control of motor vehicles...

Yes. I mean Driving Lessons.

Yes. I know I'm 20 years old.

No. I had never sat in the driver's seat of a car that had been turned on till last Thursday. Yes. You heard right! I said never.

So despite the stupidity that is the driving institute, I FINALLY got my lessons. I heart my instructor. She is awesome. I think I might take a counter to my next class just to see how many times I make her scream "Jesus!" and stomp on the brake... hehehe *rubs hands evilly*

I have to sign up for my parking test day after *bites nails nervously* I've only been behind the wheel for 3 days!!!

I went up to a speed of 70 km/hr today... it was scary... w00t!!

Oh and I changed lanes on my own!

Real Life Drama...

YAY for real life drama. My brother is world class A-hole. I mean seriously, its one thing to treat me like shit, but he disrespects my grandmother and yells at her when all she's doing is trying to make sure he doesn't go hungry!... but yeah, back to myself- I'm not talking to him anymore because he doesn't know how to respect me, my boundaries and I'm through dealing with his Bullshit! He needs anger management and an attitude readjustment... I don't care anymore if he wants to join the army. I bet even they won't take him with his anger issues. I worry for the kid, but honestly, I think I'm just wasting my breath, time and energy where he is concerned. So I GIVE UP! We've never had the best relationship but, for godsake, I'm trying now, at least pretend you're trying too! He has absolutely no right to bitch about how its all my fault anymore. He's a right bastard, I don't care if he hates the air I breathe anymore. WASH YOUR OWN GODDAMN DISHES, NOW!!!

I think my grandmother may be a little mad at me... we had a long discussion today where I implied that I'd go anywhere in the world, but I am NEVER going back to India. I am a very patriotic person, don't get me wrong. I just can't deal with closed-minded people and their stupid judgments. I lived there for almost half my life, and they were the worst years of my life, so yeah, not going back.... I also may have upset her when I started talking about homosexuality as an example of the closedmindedness... this was complete lipslip... I ♥ love, what can I say?

Ai is dying... Sims 3... Driving Lessons... ETA: Prop 8

Ai is dying, and I'm not willing to replace him... he's been faithful for two years, even through all the abuse... even though he's permanently bandaged to keep dust from entering his circuit, he still works fairly well... but I'm beginning to realize that if I don't replace him, I might not be able to get through the remaining 1.5 years of university.... :(

I just realized I can afford a new, better and faster laptop, but it breaks my heart to see him dying... yes, his life is coming to a close, it has been for a while now. He keeps stalling and doing random clicky shit all over the damn place, down to the point where it is annoying and gets me in trouble... like the other day when I was trying to book my tickets and it would keep skipping back to 'Step 1' instead of 'Step 4'!! :(

But he deserves love.

I can't abandon him.

I think he shall stick around till either A) he overheats and his chips melt... B) he shuts down and never starts up again... or C) my parents gift me a new laptop which I won't abuse as much (and would have more features than this pile of shit anyways)... *huggles Ai, you know I love you*

When will they release Windows 7??? Ugh. the wait for better technology is exhausting. I refuse to shift to Vista if its really as problematic as people say it is...

AND THERE IS GOING TO BE A SIMS 3!!!!!!!! *Squeeeeee*

The fact that I family gets in the way of my fan-fiction writing is bothering me. I realized I got over my celebrity crush, which both amused and depressed me- but no worries, I shall still fan-girl my ass off, because the man deserves every ounce of love that is sent his way (even if some of it is the creepy kind... you know what I'm talking about!)...

The driving institute is driving me mad. Bastards were supposed to tell me whether or not I could start lessons tomorrow... but fuck them calling me, they won't even take MY calls! ASSHOLES!! I WANT TO FUCKING LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE A FUCKING CAR!! I'M FUCKING TWENTY YEARS OLD AND I DON'T LIVE IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO LET YOUR STUPID SHOW!!!

:(


♥

ETA: Fucking Prop 8 and the supreme court! WHAT THE FUCK!!?? what the fuck is wrong with this fucking country. All the talk about equality and freedom, FUCK YOU! ITS A FUCKING LIE!! So much for equality and so fucking much for freedom... FUCK YOU!... why the fuck is there so much fucking hatred in the world!? why can't people love like they're meant to and just let it be... if you don't like gay marriage DONT FUCKING MARRY SOMEONE OF THE SAME FUCKING SEX... but WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO STOP OTHER PEOPLE FROM DOING IT??? If you're overly religious and think homosexuals are going to go to hell, well THAT IS NOT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM! IT'S THEIR PROBLEM, SO PLEASE BUTT YOUR FUCKING NOSE OUT OF IT IF YOU DON'T SUPPORT IT!! How would you like it if everyone held a microfuckingscope to your marriage and told you your husband was fucking... err I mean "coveting thy neighbor's wife", or told your husband that you were sleeping with the neighbor! FUCK OFF, its none of your fucking bees-wax!! Let people love who they want to... let FREEDOM RING!! LET IT RING!!! Love and be loved, isn't that the start and end of every story worth telling? WHY DO YOU WANT TO FILL YOURS WITH HATE?? Bigotry is so not becoming anymore! FUCK!!!!!!!

Dreamwidth... Facebook... and other Junk...

So I'm flying out to Dubai in a few hours... YAY!! (not really)... but I don't know if LJ is going to work there, the last time I was there it was banned, and if it does, there is no sure-fire way of knowing if it will stay accessible over my entire stay there... I just hope I'll be able to watch the story on YouTube...

Anyways, I have one invite for Dreamwidth still available if anyone wants it... shoot me a message with your email address on it... If DW works you shall get it within the week, else, it'll have to wait a little while....

Also, I contemplated adding fandom friends to the mix, and while, yes, I'm still not sure if I should, I am. So if you want to add me you can do so by clicking HERE. I'm also on AIM using the same handle as this (a.k.a. Painfullystoic). If you're a friend, you also have access to my other IM servers, so feel free to add me.

I recently commented to a letter to the editor of The Times of India. The article this was a review for was entitled "Gay couples 'marry' with parents' approval, hawan and priests". Hopefully my comment & reply will be on there in a few days (if it is I will paste it here ASAP), because that man really made me angry. However it might not make it on there because it was LONG... almost as long as the article itself, and definitely implied that the man was an idiot. I'd quote what he said, but I don't think its worth repeating...

I have been waking up at 2 am CDT. It is pissing me off because now I'm so clucking tired my eyes are closing of their own accord.

G'night All!

Lost

I’m lost in the recesses of my mind,
Along empty roads with wordless signs.
An endless corridor with a door to my right;
Who’s key has been lost in the folds of time.

I’m falling through a darkness that never ends,
Down an abyss of solitude I created myself.
I try to hold on to memories and thoughts
That brush my fingers but stay out of grasp.

I’m traversing roads that are long forgotten,
Painting in hues that have faded to nothing,
Singing a tune in meaningless tongues
And standing in a silence that is anything but.

Yet I know nothing I say I do.
And mean nothing I claim to mean.
Because I’m just as lost as you are
In this sea of faceless have-beens.

So I contemplate and question,
All the shoddy uncertainty-
The right, the wrong, the black and white.
But what happens to the area in between-
that no matter what conveniently stays
Lost, confused and undoubtedly forgotten?

What's a girl to do?

When her brain has turned to goo, being in habited by a Gay fictional-soap-opera character who is now dominating every thought especially when it comes to writing things.

Holy, Jeeezez Fucking Christ!! I mean honestly!! Are you for real? <---- can't believe I just asked that. *smacks herself in the forehead*

*huggles the fandom and all the wonderful people*

You guys, seriously you guys, I love you all so much. Like honest to God. I'm so honored to be a part of such a sophisticated fandom. I really didn't expect it to be this way; I mean, sure, I know we have the crazy fans "[who] will have [their] babies" but on the whole the maturity of the people in this group never fails to amaze me. So lets not stop now.
And such a supportive group too. Not just when it comes to enabling our mutual love for the characters, but also in our personal lives. Its brilliant!! :D I'm really glad to have met you guys (well metaphorically anyways)... Its been a wonderful journey thus far, and I'm glad to be walking the road with y'all!

*raises champagne glass*

I really hope Horny!Noah gets it together in my brain, because everything I write is being turned over. AND JEEZ IS IT FRUSTRATING!!!

*goes back to studying geotechnical engineering*

*rips hair out*

♥

Walking on Sunshine...

I don't care if I fail all my exams. I am too happy to give a damn because Sid, my Twin, he's alright. He wrote to me and he's doing fine. He's paralyzed, but I'm praying that its temporary. But just knowing that he's no longer hanging on the balance has made me the happiest (well, second happiest) person in the whole wide world.

:) Thank you all for the friendship and support, it meant a lot to me :D

Hates the Heat...

Okay so I know I'm a snow-and-winter girl. My first snowfall (Decemember 2006) and every other one after proves it to me. But this is ridiculous!! I had a nose-bleed today! I mean, I used to get them alot when I was a kid... but I haven't had a serious one in YEARS I tell you! but today, it just wouldn't stop... I love the taste of blood (shut up, I know its creepy... I think so too... It must be where my love for vampires comes from) but not the blood that bleeds into the nose and then clots and feels like someone took floss to your nose... eurghh!! :(

I also bombed my Geography final but I deserved that one... who doesn't go to lecture, doesn't read the two books or any of the articles and not study for the exam till 6 hours before it is?? An Idiot! Yes, folks, I am officially a self proclaimed idiot and queen of procrastination. I deserve to fail that exam... =( but that doesn't have to mean I like it...

Okay. I'm done.

ETA: I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. Its been a long day.

Dear Twin...

Dear Twin,

Please come back. I'm not ready to let you go... I haven't even met you yet. You can't leave already. What about our girl? She'll break without you and I won't be able to hold her together... I won't have the strength to... I know it hurts and I know you're in pain... but please, hold on.

You're strong. You know you are and I know you can make it through anything!

But God. I can't let you go and the fact that I don't know why scares me because I don't know what you look like, I don't know how deep your voice is. I don't know what your smile looks like and I don't know what your laugh sounds like but even still, I miss you already.

We're connected by one girl. One precious girl in whose hands we are both putty. She brought us together and through her I know of your stubbornness, from her I know of you love for her.

So please. Fight for her. Fight for your mom. Fight so that you can go work with your Dad like he wanted you to. Fight for me so that I can meet you someday. Because without you I am incomplete. Without you she and I will be incomplete.

I miss you.

Love,

Me.

ETA:This is about an accident. While trying to get to a village somewhere in north India, a truck smashed a friend's car into a pole. The pole fell down on top of his car and cracked his skull. As far as I know he was in surgery for over two hours. He's out of surgery. He may be paralyzed on his left side. Still not out of danger. If I ask for a trade do you think that God will listen? She needs him more. The world needs him more too.

ETA: My best-friend told me about it while he was in surgery and that is when this was written. They were told that the chance of survival was little to none.

Go Vermont... and Come on, India!

Why am I always the last one to know? I'm such a clueless sod, its depressing...

anyhow... after the abhorrent passing of Proposition 8 in California, Connecticut legalized same-sex marriage, then it was Iowa and Now... Vermont... tada! Even though the legislation was passed on April 3rd (or something like that) it isn't in effect till September 1, 2009... That's two states over turning their ruling on same-sex marriage in one month! This is progress, America! well done, now if someone could just knock those Knuckle-heads who passed/proposed Prop 8 and make things right in the gay ol' state of California all will be well... and we can continue in a positive direction!!

I wish I could go back home whenever the 2nd Gay Pride Parade happens there... I really hope they have one this year... Last year was the First Gay Pride Parade in 4 metropolitan cities of India (its where I'm from)... you'd think, if you've read/heard of the Kamasutra, that it would be a sexually tolerant country, open minded when it came to transgender rights and sexuality. but No! they're bigoted and say that "our culture is different than the west" well I say: Fuck you! our culture is supposed to be tolerant, we are supposed to be the culture where our epic hero, Arjun became transgendered for a year due to a curse, but used it in a way to help his family. We are the culture were although Shikhandi(ni) was technically a bad guy, he/she was born as a girl, but was then reborn as a man to take revenge on the man who slighted her... talk about girl power!

But no... we hide behind this fascist mask we call our culture so as to not offend the reformed bigots who placed the sodomy laws in the first place... and while the British have now gone on to not ONLY legalize same-sex relationships but ALSO legalize MARRIAGE, we are stuck in this rut of homophobia. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE, GODDAMMIT!! HIV/AIDS in not a reason to keep these laws in place. The disease in was not borne from Male/Male relations, get OVER yourselves!!

BAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I hate being sick, it makes me whiny... I WANT TO WRITE MORE ABOUT THIS!!!

*goes to die now because typing this made her all tired and weak*

Her Life the Soap Opera...

So, when I wrote my previous post and posted it here, I took permission from my best friend to do so and she acquiesced, obviously (otherwise it would have been taken down).

She's in the hospital right now because she had to have a potentially-cancerous tumor removed, and her father's undergoing his last round of chemo in this batch... and somehow we ended up talking about how her boyfriend thought that she and I were dating at some point because of the "way" she talks about me and from there we started talking about fan-fiction and how she's been reading it since September last year... and from there we went to talking about soap operas... and from there I sent her my fan-fiction... anyways, she said that she was bored out of her mind, obviously, 4 days in a Hospital Room is so not rainbows and sunshine... so I suggested she learn Photoshop or write fanfiction... anyways, it boiled down to me telling her she should write an autobiographical fan-fiction... or maybe a soap opera... and she said "but my life is so boring". And I like the drama-queen that I am, tried to convey my expression over the interwebs, which doesn't work i might add, considering the interwebs can't see your face. So I had to explain.

Love triangle between her best-friend(a.k.a. me)-her-and her boyfriend in highschool. love triangle between her-her boyfriend in high school- her housemate's bestfriend who he was two-timing with in a different country (how the fuck do coincidences like that happen?); 2 stalkers, her semi-stalkerish ex-boyfriend from high school, she dated her cousin (granted she didn't know he was her cousin at the time, and when they found out they broke it off, but 16 years of being in love romantically is hard to get over overnight), her cancer, her cancer again, the million times she's almost died on the road because of the political climate in her home country, she was the President/Chairperson of the student wing of the UN in her home country; my love triangle with her, my momentary love-triangle at my middle-school dance, my off-kilter internet romance with a creep who emotionally blackmailed me into it in the first place, my foray into erotic literature, my music and acting and melodrama, my sarcasm, my unrequited loves, our "subtextual" romance, us being soul-mates... so we decided to write a Soap Opera based on us; well her mostly, and I'm the second lead (of course its my plot and she's going to try and write it)... anyhow once its done we'll be trying to sell the Pilot to CBS... so stay tuned for Our Soap Opera... :D

oh and say hello to Rhys Denver a.k.a. Me... :D

*goes to laugh her head off at herself*

♥

The thin line between courage and cowardice...

This post deals with sensitive, serious and controversial issues.

I can't believe a story got me to write it... It's been lingering for a couple of weeks... since an episode of House that I saw... but it was the story that finally got me writing it...

It deals with a very serious issue and I don't think anyone who doesn't want to should be subjected to it. I'm not one to hide my demons or myself AND I think might use it as the premise for a future story.

ETA: This is serious... like death.
ETA: If you do choose to read this, please know that I am not in that head-space anymore. I am better. I just needed to unload with all this talk about the issue on TV, in Fan-fiction, music and movies.

*********************************

Why do people kill themselves?

Every time I read about suicide, people around me ask the same question. But I can't because I know why. It might not be the same reason for everyone but I know the feeling. I felt it. I reveled in it once because it was all I had. Like this overwhelming tsunami, it destroys everything that's good. It wasn't just depression or despair it was so much, so much more. A torrential downpour that wipes away everything in its wake.

What kind of coward would do that?

We are remembered as cowards, and maybe to some extent we are. But it also takes a great deal of courage to take your own life, I know, because I couldn't do it. My best-friend knows, because she could.

I can't believe I almost never got to meet her. If her parents hadn't have found her I'd never have been able to shine in her light. Even today her close friends celebrate the day she was in the clear. The day they knew for sure she would live, her 'birthday'. I thank whatever deity exists that brought us into each others lives, because as much as I hated my boarding school, the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with her.

People who say they are going to commit suicide don't do it; The people who don't say it usually do.

A statistical study I once read said that. But it isn't true. I know. My best-friend knows.

I am a survivor.

Will I ever go back there? I don't know. But everyday I work to stay away. Everyday I know I'm better off, I know I am loved and that I can love back. I know that I never want to go back to that place because I know that I will be missed, even if its for a little while. I know I will have brought sorrow to the people whose happiness I would want to do it for in the first place.

Yes, its still a lingering thought. I think that maybe it always will be. But I know now, in this moment, it isn't cowardice that is keeping me from taking that blade, bottle of sleeping pills or even the ledge on the 14th floor. It is courage.

I've been there before. But, I will try my damnest best to keep away, and I know I can do it...

Because if High School at my boarding school didn't tip me over the edge, and I came really really close to doing it again, nothing will. I don't want pity. God knows, I do it enough for the rest of the world and I know that most of people have it a lot worse that I do. All I want is that people know that you can't always know what a person is thinking, behind the smiles and the laughter, nobody did with me, and nobody does with my best-friend. The only thing you can do is treat people with respect and dignity because nobody deserves to feel unworthy or 'less than'.

In a sea of strangers I find myself bereft...

How can someone feel so alone in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students?

How can someone have no real friends in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students even after having lived in 4 different countries?

Recently, I was talking to one of my 'friends' and I told her that I hate being alone... and she turned to me and said "but you seem like a loner". I am not. I know tons of people. I say hi to tons of people. But for some reason I can't find a friend in this sea of strangers. I try. Lord knows, I try. I try to talk to people. I try to hang out with people... "I think I'm too intense and scare people away"... "I can see that" my 'friend' says.

A while before that one of my other 'friends' asked me "How do you deal with being alone all the time? I'd go insane." She had recently broken up with her boyfriend at the time and even though she was always surrounded by her friends who she loves, who adore her. Who want to hang out with her. But because she didn't have more people in this group, she felt alone. I looked at her, the incredulity blatant in my expression, but I answered her anyways. "I don't deal with. Its all I've ever known". and it is. I can go days without any human contact. Nobody other than my parents call me. Nobody ever drops by my room to say "hi" to me. My roommate who doesn't consider anyone who isn't from "back home" her friend, has more friends here than I do.

But its more the question of how. I wish I knew how to do it. I wish that 20 years of being all alone could have taught me how to deal with it. Because even though I don't have friends, I always clung to someone so that I would have at least one person to share my emotional burden with. But what happens where there are miles and miles of metaphorical ocean between them and me, because I, for lack of a better way to put this, force them to be my friend.

Maybe I'm just an epic failure at making friends. Maybe it happened when my life changed in 3rd grade.

The saddest part of the whole thing is that everyone I come into contact with is always telling me how I'm such a fucking nice person anyone would be lucky to have me as their friend. Then why the fuck won't you? I don't want to be nice. I just want one, just one real friend because without even one connection, when I fade, there won't be anyone who will have noticed. Nobody will have cared.

But then again. Maybe that is for the best.

For a Little While

For a little while
Let me believe
That your arms are around me
Because you want them to be

For a little while
Let me hold onto this
To what I can’t have
and what I will not give

For a little while
Let it be so
That whatever I dream
Will come true

For a little while
Let me feel happy
Because once you’ve gone
It’ll be just me

So For a little while
Just a little while
Let me hold you
Let me tell myself
That this is true

Because I will be here
And you will have gone
Back to lover you left
At your door

You're here as my friend
And nothing more
As my confidant
And nothing more.

And While you chose to comfort
My broken little heart
You broke it a little more
With your careless kindness

And so for a little while
Just a little while
Let me hold on to you
Before you leave me here
In my lonely solitude.

Tell Me... (Painting Mumbai Red with Innocent Blood)

Silence gives way to the violent storm,
A premonition that its going to be worse than before,
Crimson stains the walls and the floor,
As people run for cover when the bombs begin to explode.

Tell me did you hear when I yelled?
Did you care when I bled?
Did you hear me pray to the same God?

Hatred fills the empty spaces
When we see them lying broken on the ground
With every bullet we drill the final nail
Into the coffin of love and peace, the things that started it all.

Tell me, did you see who I loved?
Did you love like I did?
Did you hear me cry for help?

Tell me did you care when you shot?
Did you have a purpose?
Or was it all for nothing?

You talk about peace and you talk about wrong
But all the while you hold that gun
You shoot the innocent
Pretending you're better than us.

Why?

You Don't Know Me... You Don't Even Care...

The lyrics to the song 'Boston' by Augustana send me on a nostalgic journey to the words of a poem I once wrote... it echoes the same desperate loneliness I felt, sending me along paths I fear to tread on...

I don't like being alone... and that I am very much what I despise being... lonely... its a realization that has been long coming. I wish I was different that things were; not what they are... but they are...

The realization that even though I've been here for two years now I don't have a single friend is slightly depressing... when I mean real friend, I mean the kind who tells you everything, relies on you and you can do the same with them... People who want to hang out with you, who try to make an effort to... recently my roommate's friend made me realize that I wasn't interesting enough, but I beg to differ... So what if I'm not good looking and am fat? I can hold my own. I can converse, argue, debate, rebut and I can rip you apart with my words. So what if I'm an introvert? Get to know me and you'll know how passionate I am about certain issues?

Is the world really as shallow as to deem only thin, good-looking people worth getting to know? If not, then why is it that the only criteria that makes a person "interesting"?

Am I too intense? Is it my intensity that scares people away... makes people quake in their boots and give up before trying? I don't know... My introversion and fear of judgment hold me back... not letting me express who I truly am and who I can be...

I need this to change.

Slipping through my fingers...

The past week has been a blur of colors and sounds. I have a vague recollection of 'the passing's and 'going on's of the days that have passed. I vague, fleeting memory of people. I move. I move soundlessly and unseen through the daily silhouettes of time as it passes me by. My hand writing thoughts, memories, things I thought I had forgotten. Wounds uncovered, reopening. My blood spills onto my hands. My pain feeling as though it is another's. Like looking down on myself from above, I try to help. My hands ghosting through my being. Its like she's broken... But there's nothing there to fix.

There's Nothing.

My actions float on the whisps of time. Wavering and wandering they fade away.

I listen to the tune of an old forgotten song and tears well up in eyes. I refuse to cry as a mother talks about her daughter... she talks about the past and their plans... and I wonder if any of my plans will ever reach fulfillment. Will I get to finally meet my Liam? ever? He's been such a wonderful friend. Will I ever get to see the world?

People tell me to accept God. I don't deny him. I just don't know. I can't follow a religion... correction... I won't follow a religion.

I love myself. my life. my family & friends. I have a billion things on my list of things that make me happy.

Void...

Emptiness....

It feels like nothing. It feels like... nothing. I want to replace it with something... anything. I feel like I can't breathe because of it. Its suffocating me in its nothingness and I can't seem to do anything about it. I don't know what I'm doing but I need to so something before I'm in over my head. I dug my nails into my arm today. It helped. I felt something lift that invisible weight that seems to be crushing down on my chest. But I don't see myself going down that road. I don't want to. It is self-destructive. What if eventually my nails aren't enough? Self-mutilation is extreme, even for me.

But I can't live like this. I can't live with a great big hole inside of me. I can't live with such emptiness. With this invisible gas that is choking my lungs, making it hard to breathe, to see, to feel,... to be.

My head is spinning. I can't catch myself. I feel like I've been on a carousel at warp speed for the last 20 years of my life. Everything is a blur. I didn't make a difference. I didn't matter. I don't matter.

Who are we? WHAT are we? Figments of someone's overactive imagination, a story about unnamed characters and unforeseeable plots. A story with grammatical and punctuational errors. An error. A half bent staple pin and crumpled papers. A rainbow with no color and gruesome fairy tales. Who are we? and what are we doing here?

Is not knowing emptiness? or are voids just stories that haven't been written yet.

I'm empty. I'm broken and I don't know what to do about it.

I can't breathe and when I try I choke and die a million deaths...

Why is it?

hollow silence.

College and such...

The last few days of college life have been crazy. Classes have been hectic, though rather boring and monotonous. I slept through part of one of my classes today, the reason I know this is because I had "Queen Elizabeth" written in my notes, I was in the fucking front row of class!! I think I have a CEE 360 homework partner, I've written to him on Facebook for the last two years and I officially met him a couple of months ago and actually spoke to him for real, and he seems like a really nice guy. Although, I think he might be a straight A student and realize what a dumbass I am... One of my really good friends is going out with this really nice guy, and they make the sweetest couple ever! I totally adore them... YAY for friends first, beau's second!! They are definitely on my list of things that make me happy. My roommate is pretty awesome! I definitely adore her. I think we compliment each other really well. But I sort of feel left out now, because all my friends now call her, and never call me, which is fine, but I like getting calls once in a while... But we have the coolest room ever! I totally dig our room! Our refridgerator broke, but we might be able to borrow our friend's fridge because he has an extra one.


I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend. Its the long weekend and most of my friends have gone home. But I know I will figure something out.

Rejected...

Haha... So I auditioned for a mediocre Acapella group yesterday... I sucked ass... So I got rejected...

I don't know how I feel about it. Relieved? Upset? I feel far too many contradictory emotions all at once. I wasn't really sure I wanted to audition anyways. But just the fact that I got rejected sort of messed me up. I think it was the scales and repeating whatever she played that threw me off my game. I sort of knew I'd be rejected. I knew it from their faces after I'd finished singing... maybe I sung songs that were too sappy or opera-y... I don't know. But I'm kind of glad I didn't get it. They said I was pitchy. Oh well. Whatever! Back to skypecasts for me... people actually ask me to marry them there.... :-P But then again that could be because some of the other people there are so terrible you need to mute your speakers for a while.

Anyways, such is life, rejection is just another 1000 rungs on the ladder of success, and I've been rejected 500+ times anyways, so I'm that much closer to success!! :D so Cheers to all the troopers who stick it out and face the day with renewed vigor and Cheers to all of those troopers who are amushed and stamped on and still find the will to stand up.

Edit: September 10th, 2008: So... According to the girl who auditioned after me, to whom I thought I'd lost the audition, they weren't really looking for new recruits... and it was just the formality of having to go through the whole audition process at the beginning of the year... Gosh, they could have just said, I wouldn't have wasted my precious time!! Losers!

Loneliness Knows Me By Name...

I think it scares me sometimes- being alone. I've never been in a relationship and it scares me that maybe I'll never find a 'special someone.' I see people around. Young people, in love, in like, in what-ever-they-want-to-call-it, and I feel happiness in their happiness, but there are times when I sigh with envy, even though I'm elated in all honesty. But then I see relationships end- lovers estranged, friendships bereft. I see the drama they go through. Scratch that. The MELODRAMA they go through and scream "Hallelujah! THANK GOD I don't have to deal with this!" But then there are times when its endearing, when you kind of crave the intimacy that causes those frayed nerves and overzealous emotions.

I think what scares me the most are my imperfections. My scars. My battle wounds. My insecurities. Some people tell me they look up to me- that they are amazed by the strength I exude, the courage and the no-bullshit attitude. But then there are those who only see a shell of a person- an uptight, fat, ugly girl trying to hold her life together as its falling apart at the seams. They see a girl who is unsure of herself and where she is going. They see the uncertainty in her eyes and prey upon it. Harvest it. They see a girl who is now a mere illusion of the person she once was, a child that was once all confident strides and friendly smiles now stumbling at every push and pull of a winding road. A child whose heart knew no bound; who loved unconditionally and let other love her the same. Not now. Not anymore. She grew up somewhere along daggers and bullets in her back. Just like everyone else. I'm not a good person. I can be spiteful and hurtful. Blunt; painfully so. I don't let anyone get in. Not really. So I'm scared. I'm scared I'll be alone. Because not only am I fat and ugly (and young men don't want that. They all want sexy women who look good on their arm) but I am also no longer of substance. I am socially awkward and introverted. I'll try and be friendly but I am often annoyed by these "friends" after a few months of association.

Maybe I'm not even looking for a partnership, relationship or friendship. But sometimes when the clouds are gloomier and the storms are thicker and the rain is falling just that little bit harder. I wonder at the thought of a companion. A companion who could hold me and tell me that its alright because they are right there with me. And I don't know what its like to be held on cold, windy days. But I'm hoping that maybe some day I will.

In the Process...

Pain and destruction lie in the wake of my arrival. I can't seem to do or say anything right. I bring pain to people I care about- my family and my friends. I can't be there for anyone even though I want to be. I try to do right but I end up doing wrong.

Maybe my self-destruction is inevitable... but they should know me better... I love them far too much to see them suffer and so I continue to punish myself... the self-prosecution of a friendless, loveless existence so that I won't hurt anyone else in the process...

Summer...

Summer whispered, its soft seductive words taking me over in waves of joyful pleasure; its gentle hand held out for me to take, inviting and tempting. But now that I am here, I am desolate. I feel none of the pleasure that it had once promised- I feel nothing but emptiness. The words that had been whispered have long since evaporated in the sweltering heat leaving not even a trace of evidence that they had once existed. Partially sublimated happiness fills me as I sit stoical in an air conditioned room or car. One to the other is how my days pass. Going to places I have been before, doing things I've done countless times, my days and weeks are filled with monotony.

Monday- Sit at home and do nothing.
Tuesday- Sit at home and do nothing.
Wednesday- Sit at home and do nothing and then go for a business presentation in the evening.
Thursday- Sit at home and do nothing.
Friday- Training from afternoon to evening.
Saturday- Training till noon and then sit at home and do nothing.
Sunday- Sit at home do nothing.

Week after endless week goes this routine that dictates the pattern of the summer that I anxiously anticipated on those tiresome days at University when I craved for the gentle caress of my mothers hand on my brow when I felt ill, or the rabid incessant fighting sibling often participate in for no apparent reason.

I have met many a people who inspire nothing in me. Who don't necessarily treat me as a child, since experience has nothing to do with age; but treat me like a dog that is need of a thorough training. They pat my head and tell me what a wonderful daughter I am to my mother and proceed to share with me what they think my life should be like. I admit, I enjoy my business venture, the training sessions and the training itself. I went for a conference/training module for this to Malaysia and while there were countless sleepless nights, I enjoyed every moment of it. I learned and felt strongly. I wish to continue what I learn when I go back to university and try to broaden my social network.

After the conference we decided to tour Penang, Kuala Lumpur, Langkawi and visit Genting Highlands for 2 hours. I would have enjoyed the place if I had been alone, but being with my parents dampened my experience as I then had to experience it my fathers way, a.k.a. through the window of a taxi cab. I got to drink the sweetest coconut water and eat the best egg-indian-bread ever though, and for that I am forever grateful.

But ever since our return to my parents home, I have been pushed into this teeth-grinding routine that is slowly, but surely driving me insane. I often find myself staring into outer-space or laughing like a mad man without reason. I spend my days defending the legality and ethics of my company and trying to help people with their 'clarifications'. But don't get me wrong. I adore my company and business. I love it endlessly.

Oh and lest we forget, the wonderful world of Skypecasts, where I belt my heart out with emotional songs and no music while listening to tune-deaf people receive praise for their appalling singing. I've done it too and I've also received praise. But oh well, right? At least its something to do. Better than the awful void of nothingness that presides over my life. But god-damn it. Livejournal got blocked in the country I live in and as a result I can't go back to reading slash fanfiction that filled my days with endless wonder. Don't get me wrong... I love my life.

Its just the summer that I hate.

TIME...

Where is the time?

I often ask myself this as I continue my monotony of a life that is university. I have no friends who invite me to their parties, and the ones who do, don't want to go party. I wonder if I have friends at all. Well, friends who want to hang out with me that is. And I don't mean dinner at a restaurant I hate or sitting in the room and discussing which boy in which class is cute (uggh!). I want to party and dance! But my 'friends' who do that, never invite me. All I do is go to class and do homework. That is all my life is about.

All I have is work and no time and no space... so what?

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays!

So here starts another hectic winter break, away from the winter wonderland of Illinois and onward to the more tropical and exotic lands that I hail from.

Merry Christmas to all!
Happy Hanukkah!
Eid Mubarakk!
and Happy Holidays (to be more general and avoid missing out on the various festivities)...

As the new year draws closer I wonder what I will resolve myself to do this year- lose weight (at least part of all the excess baggage), study harder (not slack off reading fanfiction and watching movies), be a better person (I'm great, but there are times I could have been less... vicious), write to family more often (I do, but my mum's always complaining that I have no time for her)... all of the above (I guess I should try, right?)...

I think next year I might go visit my uncle in New York and spend a white winter with him, my aunt and my wonderful cousins because I've been dreaming of a white christmas for all my life... I really should meet and talk to them more often...

My grandparents are celebrating their 50th Anniversary for the 5th time this year this week... but their 50th Anniversary isn't till next year... I've learnt not to ask and just do as I'm told... :P

Anyhow... goodnight, all... and good luck. and have a wonderful new year.

Love & Happiness to all!

Where are we?

There's never been reason for me to be ecstatic. There's never been reason for me to be depressed either. I live in a state of blissful delusions of a life I think I'm living, ignorance is bliss, if you chose to ignore things that upset you you're inevitably left with nothing but happiness. What is that happiness worth though? one that forgoes all emotion that one has felt in all their lifetime. Experiences make us who we are, blocking them out doesn't give us the chance or the opportunity to grow as we should. We should be happy and grateful for all that we do have since many others don't even have that. Things can only get better if we want them to. So let go of what's holding you back and holding you down and move forward. This is your revolution your evolution; make of it what you will.

Crawling Under My Skin...

There isn't a day that passes that I wish I wasn't dead. Everyday ends on a sour note. Everyday I wish I'd just die already. Everyday the thought of consuming a bottle full of Vicodin or Valium Every time that I look at, or talk to someone they are hurt. I am a hurtful person and I don't like it. My family is the first of all that I hurt. Everything I say and do hurts them. The fact that I can't trust them hurts me, and inevitably it hurts them. I'm the bane of everyone's existence. A big fat unwanted blotch on the face of humanity. Some would call it self-pity. I call it self-preservation. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to be me. Experiences make you who you are and I am what I am, accept me the way I am and don't expect me to change! I love you the way you are. I love you regardless of what you say and what you do. If you think hurting me emotionally is going to bring down those carefully constructed impenetrable walls that I've put up around my heart, you're wrong. It'll only reinforce my frigidness towards life and all that I believe in letting go. Yes, the past haunts me. Yes, it affects my decisions and my life. No, it does NOT make me unhappy or resentful. I believe in love and second-chances. I believe in miracles even though I'm not quite certain about a certain supernatural force, I am willing to believe in all that is good in the world and trust that the world is a better place.

I'm not suicidal, not in the least. I do occasionally wish I were dead, but don't we all at some point of time or the other? I'm too cowardly to take my own life and too brave to commit suicide. I'm a paradox of paradoxes. But death intrigues me and it is crawling under my very skin, burning my insides as it slithers through and permeates my blood....

Love, Emotions & Other Frivolous Things

So there's this boy whom I've not met in 4.5 years. He's the first (and probably only, well, other than my BFF (because what I have with my BFF is non-negotiable but I'll accept whatever little I get with him, I love him far too much to lose him over stupid unfounded affections that I might not even feel if I got what I wanted because often with BFFs you see that you might think you're in love with them, but you're better off as friends in the end... yeah, when it doesn't even matter *i know "BAD JOKE"*)) guy I fell in love with,. that I loved him.... and he apologized profusely for hurting me (which he never did, funnily enough)...

of course he'll never know that even after 10 years I'm still in love with him... maybe not as much as I was that day I laid eyes on his haughty smirk as he handed me my notebook in 4th Grade, or when he was knight-in-shining-armour when he was the only kid who spoke to me back then... but then again it has been an awfully long time since I've met him...

In that awfully long time I've forced (yes, FORCED) myself to "fall" in... so i guess... I've jumped in "like" with other people, who found it hilarious to try and break my heart in the worst possible ways. with words, public embarassments, by dating my friends, but breaking their hearts, stalking them, trying to be friendly with me so that I can stalk her for them... errr... TMI!

I've also been in a pseudo-relationship with a psychotically depressed pervert who I ended up dumping because I was "guilted" into the damned relationship in the first place and then I didn't really like him, he wasn't funny, or interesting, or intriguing, he was just a pervert, a high-school drop-out, unemployed loser who spent more time talking about the girl who he wished he had (and whining about himself and shifting blame on me when he hurt me) and still lived with his mother because she payed his car insurance and phone bill.

've had my heart broken a million times because I always jump for people I know will hurt me, even though technically I'm the bitch, because well... it was all in attempt to get over him...

so... yeah... nevermind...

I'm crazy... Ignore me... I have no life. I have no love. I have no emotions, just frivolous things that, well, obviously don't matter....

Changes....

Change is inevitable... between the smallest increment of time... from the moment i started writing till the time i finish. Change is unavoidable. Sometimes it doesn't go with the plan you had for yourself and sometimes you couldn't be happier because of the change.

Love changes, relationships change, friendships change, people changes, times change, feelings change, looks change, attitudes change, hate changes, landscapes change, winds change, enormity changes... everything... inevitably changes...

It's easier to ignore changes than to accept them if they're not in your favour, but accepting a change is the easiest way to get over it. In the complexites of the crux of the situation, change is always for the good. it makes you stronger, it tests you and it sets you off on a new page or chapter in your life.

They are also never easy- these changes. Many times a change in one aspect of life leads to changes in other aspects, and so many changes can never be easy...

Grasping onto the frayed edges of what was would leave you in denial of life and existence... leaving a person who was once full of vivacious energy, hollow and forgotten in time..

It time for change, accept it and move on...

Listening to: Elsewhere - Sarah McLachlan,
If Your Missing (Come On Home) - Bethany Joy Lenz (One Tree Hill)

Summer, Family and Stuff....

It's been a few weeks into summer break and I'm already sick of it all... I want to go back to the only place I feel truly at home... I'm in Dubai, and its horribly hot here, I almost passed out yesterday... I'll be going to india in a few days hopefully things'lll get better there...

Failure...

We've lost everything, we're down and out, it feels like I can't go on, and my fears are shining bright. My heart beats faster, my movements slow down. I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't think that I can go on...

Why is it that whenever we want something or need something we lose it? Why is it when things seem like they're going well, everything turns to ashes? It makes no sense that I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do when I get there, but when has anything ever made sense to me? My heart is burdened by the songs of many, and even though I say I'm the earth, sometimes it gets too much to deal with... I want to go back... Death just seems so appealing to me... but I know better... I know better... right?

There's Gotta Be More To Life...

Routines. Day in. Day out.
We wake up with a plan, we go to sleep with one. On a subconscious level we all do it, yes, even me, the evasive one.... it's hard not to, even if the plan is to just laze about and not do anything....

There's got to be more to life than the monotonous cycles we live in. More to it than just you and me and work. It's not as simple, but there's got to be, there just has!

Is our existence as meaningless as we structure it? If it is, I don't see the point in continuing or standing in the sidelines waiting for something to affect our "lives".

A Tale Of Insomnia From The Nights Of A Sleeper...

in·som·ni·a (ĭn-sŏm'nē-ə)n.
Inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

I begin now, to understand, why lack of sleep is so addictive. The last few nights have been overwhelming in the sense that I've barely slept at all... my brain and eyelids feels heavy but I feel alive. Caffience humming through my veins dousing me in wakefulness even though my body is protesting endlessly...

sleep (slēp) n. A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli. During sleep the brain in humans and other mammals undergoes a characteristic cycle of brain-wave activity that includes intervals of dreaming. A period of this form of rest. A state of inactivity resembling or suggesting sleep; unconsciousness, dormancy, hibernation, or death.

Try as i might sleep evades me. In the tresses of my unconsciousness looms a great darkness. Fear reverberates through my very core... I'm scared... of sleep and dreams, of the nightmares that plague my usually dreamless sleep.

Who is that, there in the shadowy darkness? Who is it that frightens me so?

Drowning in the flow of things...

The end of term is fast approaching. Two more midterms and then a week of Finals... arrggghhh! It's driving me insane, the constant hammering of blood in my brain. The never ending migraine from the lack of sleep and too much reading. Math Math Math Math Chemistry Math Math Rhet Math Math Physics Physics Math Phyiscs and on and on the cycle goes- too much work, too little time. I'm moving with the overwhelming tide of work. Unable to get out of the cumbersome dreariness that comes from reading too many lecture notes and living a runaway life where nothing but work surrounds you. I want to get out. I need a break. Three weeks never seemed longer.

Got the position

A few weeks ago I randomly sent in an application to be a Peer Leader for incoming Women in Math Science and Engineering at the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign, where I study. So anyways... I decided I would apply an hour before the application was due and managed to send in my application with but 30 seconds to spare.

The interview was relatively simple. I told them how important it was to be truthful- dish out the good and the bad, give an unbiased view of things. I told them I was an introvert and I stammered alot throughout the interview.

But you know what? I still got it. yep. I did.

I'm here now and this is me.

Broken, ridiculed and confused.
Alone, afraid, lost and abused.
I thought i didn't deserve happiness,
To feel free, loved, smile or enjoy
I was ready to give up and be done.

They broke me with their hurtful words.
Like broken-winged, helpless birds;
My reality and faith was blurred.
I didn't run away from the pain
And I couldn't forget even though I forgave.

I fought for me.
I fought to be.
I fought because I knew i'd regret otherwise-
Everything I was, everthing I had
And then I knew I couldn't give up.

To smile and know i'll be alright
Hold my head up with pride,
To be able to smile-
Despite the unbearable pain,
I grew up regardless of what they'd said.

I'm here now and this is me...

- Tanvi Damani
(March 26, 2007)

So Here We Go...

The end of spring-break heralds the coming of fun and... mid-terms. A home away from home, a sanctuary for my troubled mind away from my troublesome past...

I'm glad to be back. I am. Really. The person I've been able to grow into here hasn't been lost on me and I will forever be indebted to this foreign country for that. As the end of my Freshman year at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign draws closer and closer, I can't help but feel the unexplainable warmth and comfort that one usually feels at home. This school has come to mean so much to me in such a short while. Maybe it's because I'm so accustomed to moving away ever so often, that this place appeals to me. The people are wonderful, friendly, non-judgemental, non-interfering and nice.

I miss home. my mum, my dad, my little brother... but I'm glad to be here.

So here we go... back to the routine and schedule, mid-terms and midnight snacks, friends and fun, books and memories...

Paper Faces on Parade...

seething shadows...

breathing lies....

Masquerade! - Phantom of the Opera

Everyday is a parade of paper faces... everyone pretending to be someone they are not. We were born alone and must die alone and yet we chose to let what others think determine how we live our lives... Why can't a sane adult want to dance in the rain without inhibitions? Why can't we wear what we are comfortable in even if it's a little torn and makes us look shabby? Why can't we just let go and feel free? Claustrophobia restricts our breathing as the high walls of societal decorum push inward towards us, giving us no way out... nowhere to run to...

How can we ask for help when every person around is encased and trapped in the very dungeon we are... gasping for breath... hoping for relief... we have nowhere to go but down.... down into the insanity of it... untill we break...

That's what out fate is... we are all made to be broken... emotionally, physically, spiritually....

No, nobody really knows what's going on inside that clockwork mind that humans claim to possess... and no, nobody has ever not been hit... and no, there is no GOD that's going to come down to earth and ease our suffering.... all we have is elusive... all we want is elusive... WE are elusive...

What is the bane of our existence?

If Adam and Eve had three sons... why is incest looked down upon? what about Noah? the only people he took on the ark were his wife and children... how did life go on? Perverse as it is... it is food for thought... why is there fault in what we hear and see and percieve...

If evolution is the key, what caused the first living cell to exist?

We are taught not to question faith... and yet faith eludes us... it isn't perfect just as we aren't and yet it is blindly followed...

This world is a Masquerade

We pretend and that's all we'll ever be... Paper faces on parade...

Slugging Through

Endings are never easy... however many times it may happen... when there is no emotional connection it might seem easier, but saying good-bye is always difficult... knowing you might never meet again pinches even if it is just for a brief period of time... wishing you'd given people more chances... or even one chance... wishing you hadn't been the uptight bitch you portrayed yourself as outside the dorm... or wishing, just plain wishing you'd been yourself throughout... not a depressed misanthropist... it hurts so much knowing you'll never have a "chaddi-buddy", i.e, a close friend that you've known since you were a child... moving around sucks... and yet its the only thing that i'm good at.... going away is supposed to be easy, isn't it?... then why isn't it?

why do we slug our way through life... force ourselves to believe we're not as good as everyone else... or believe that we're better than everyone else... why can't we just be the plain-janes or simple-sallys?? pollyanna that annoying... okAy yes she was... but Jeez, do we have to hold it against her.... we should strive to be more optimisic... pessimism is so over-rated.... :P

Cheers to all slugging their way through life, like i am... best of luck and hope to see you in University!! :P

Giving Up

The incessant ramblings of a troubled mind that is fumbling in vain to hold onto the sanity that is threatening to break away… As I reach the end of the road and look back I realize how I’ve been fucked over by people I was meant to look up to… While I try hard to build up the broken pieces of my life around me… the cuts across my wrist represent the pain that had no face… the blood that’s on the bathroom floor around me is contaminated with the poison I injected into myself so that I could survive in this cruel world that is so filled with hate… the love inside me breaks me… over and over I fall… because I can love in the darkness that haunts me… in the echoing silence I hear my soul reverberating… the beating of my heart slowing down to a sluggish pace as I slump down on the cold hard tiles that remind me of my life… I feel clean as the blood spills out of my vein making rosy patterns in the water as it swivels its way towards the drain… the pain is numbing to a dull throb that seems to mask the underlying emotional turmoil that I am too adamant to give up on…

As I lie on the floor, my tear and kohl stained face hard and cold as ice… I refuse to give in to the pain… I fight myself as I fight everyone around me… I refuse to give up and yet inevitably that is all I do...

Tomorrow

It's tomorrow!It's tomorrow!It's tomorrow!

Not the incessant mummbling of a hyper five year old... but the sound of the bitter truth reverberating through my mind and soul... tomorrow is the day it begins- The Final WAR...

INNOCENCE- my innocence lost in time, I'm no longer innocent... fallen creature of the night that is sure to burn in the perpetual fires of hell... because that's what happens tomorrow... Hell Freezes Over... The earth, the desolute body of unending suffering becomes the walking ground of the rougish, unwelcome beings that threaten our very existence...

FAITH- my faith faded into the truth, or a horribly garbbled version of it... the fire is alll consuming, it licks, kisses, bites... burning my faith and innocence with its roaming, incinerating hands... the shocking realiy of it etched in my mind over and over and yet it's still to hit...

The final push against the threshhold of decency... pushes me higher and higher and all the while making me feel lowly, uncouth and unclean... i have nothing holding me to reality as fade into and out of insanity- my conscience flickering along with my hope...

My distant ray of hope fades as it begins... dark clouds rolling in the distance making ungodly sounds that painfully make me realise that i have nowhere to go, nowhere safe and protected like my life has always been...

I have to fight this War.... this war that will finally cut the umbilical cord between a mother and child... i have far too much at stake... and far too little to lose... I will be a ruthless murderer for the sake of both... and yet... inevitably i must lose... no matter what... no matter how... I have nowhere to go but down...



and then



IT HITS!!

Gonna Get Through This

I'm sure there have been times when you realise how low you really are... how unworthy, and incompetent you are... Like every other person it happens to me as well... most of the time i have my angel to help me through it... in one form or another... i may not be an angel to them, i'm hardly one to help people through their problems... but they help me get through it....

I know i can't do this... it's gonna kill me knowing that i can't but again an angel comes... he tells me he'll help me, but i don't want him to because it will be messing with his time to study....

Both can keep me calm when i've lost it... even though losing my cool isn't one of my personality traits...

As the stress of the upcoming exams increases and i realise how much i don't know... they keep me sane... in the insanity of it all, they keep me sane... holding me steady and guiding me through it... Painfully clear of what is and isn't makes things so much harder...

... je t'aime, mon ami, mon ange

... te quiero, mi amigo, mi ángel

Stoic...

"Stoic: One who is seemingly indifferent to or unaffected by joy, grief, pleasure, or pain"

(Quote: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=Stoic )

Breaking from the inside, as i crumble; slowly, but surely, into blatant nothingness... It doesn't scare me anymore... i'm unaffected by pain and betrayal... I am unmoved by the reality thats screaming in my face... I'm not scared of rejection, not insecure about relationships... in some twisted way i guess I'm not afraid that that I'm turning into something less Human... When people around my smile I smile back... but I can't feel the happiness I usually did... when I think of the beach I feel unnervingly calm... a little girl with soft brown curls running across the white sand in a white dress and the waves beat upon the untouched shore, she turns around to face me with out-stretched arms screaming 'mommy... mommy...' a soft smile playing on her face and a familiar mischeivous glint in her eyes... the dream haunts me... plagues me with the reality it exists in my head... seeming so true and yet it isn't so... I'm a creature of darkness and solitude... I do not pride myself in the fact that I have friends... the very fact that I do is in a way an accomplishment... I crave for the pain that I am so adamant at having... the loneliness that I am too stubborn to give up on...


and yet...



I want different...


the body doesn't, but the spirit always live forever...