He's acting so weird.
He's hugging me, rubbing my arm and back in comfort. Before he'd cringe. He'd have died before he touched someone in comfort or let them comfort him.
I don't recognize him.
He asks me if he should change his plans because I asked him if he wanted to do something in the spur of the moment. When I said that it didn't matter, he gave me an alternative option. While not new a new trait, the extent to which he is going is new!
I don't recognize him.
He asked me to go on a walk with him. He NEVER wanted to go on a walk with me before. I'd asked him so many times!
Who is this person?
I don't want you to do me any favors. I don't want you to try to make it better because I'm leaving. I don't need that. I don't need you to be someone you're not. Not for me. I've wished you were different. But I've NEVER tried to change you. Not for me.
It hurts. So much worse than all those other lies.
Is it because He's been telling you what I've been telling him? Because I've been telling him how I'm hurting because of you. Is that why you're acting this way? Being this person I barely recognize?
Is it because you know I've been thinking so much about cutting you out of my life? Is that why?
Or is this just your way of saying goodbye before you cut me out of your life?
But in any case. Talk to me. Because more than all this bullshit touch-happy you, I want to know why. I want the real you. Because that is my best friend.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Monday, October 4, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Lost a friend...
How do I tell you that you're hurting me? That you make me feel insignificant. That when we talk I feel like I don't exist, and that after we're done, I'm in such emotional pain that I need to cry for hours on end?
How do I tell you... that I don't think we can fix it, that we can't go back to that. Not right now anyhow. Especially not when he's still around? Because when we're with him, its not just the way you make me feel when its just the two of us, but you humiliate me. In public. In front of his friends who don't know either of us. In front of his girlfriend. In front of my friends, who I can't put in the position of choosing between us. Even though they're graduating this semester and leaving me behind... She's my best friend- but I still don't want her to have to chose between us. And because you're more assertive and pushy and loud and demanding, I will continue to have to hang out with you if I want to see her. Even though I feel like shite afterward.
Why is it that despite me having told you this, you still refuse to acknowledge how I feel- still refuse to accept that I feel a certain way without what I feel being "stupid" or "ridiculous"?
If you hurt me or humiliate me, why should I let you? Especially since the very thing you are humiliating me for is the very think you do repeatedly. "Why are you being nosy? Why do you need to know? You don't need to know! If I have plan with him/her and I want to include you, I will tell you! Stop being so nosy all the time. Nobody likes nosy people. My plans with him/her are my plans with them, why do you have to interfere, if I want you to know I will tell you." You yell at me from across the table when I innocently inquired what you were talking about and he tells me that you want to go to the dentist. And then you call me up two days after I tell you that we can't be friends demanding to know where I am and what I am doing and ask me if I want to have dinner with you. You tell people what I am doing as though my schedule is yours to decide. When did you become my datebook? Who gave you that fucking authority? And because I feel bad for being mean and saying "no", I call and tell you I can and you spend the entire time throwing a fit in the middle of the road because you banged your shoes into the pavement and the leather chaffed?
And then you ask me how in the hell I can fell insignificant?
I can't do it. I can't. I feel like my insides are being ripped to shreds.
I can't do it. We can not be friends. Why can't you understand that!?
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
How do I tell you... that I don't think we can fix it, that we can't go back to that. Not right now anyhow. Especially not when he's still around? Because when we're with him, its not just the way you make me feel when its just the two of us, but you humiliate me. In public. In front of his friends who don't know either of us. In front of his girlfriend. In front of my friends, who I can't put in the position of choosing between us. Even though they're graduating this semester and leaving me behind... She's my best friend- but I still don't want her to have to chose between us. And because you're more assertive and pushy and loud and demanding, I will continue to have to hang out with you if I want to see her. Even though I feel like shite afterward.
Why is it that despite me having told you this, you still refuse to acknowledge how I feel- still refuse to accept that I feel a certain way without what I feel being "stupid" or "ridiculous"?
If you hurt me or humiliate me, why should I let you? Especially since the very thing you are humiliating me for is the very think you do repeatedly. "Why are you being nosy? Why do you need to know? You don't need to know! If I have plan with him/her and I want to include you, I will tell you! Stop being so nosy all the time. Nobody likes nosy people. My plans with him/her are my plans with them, why do you have to interfere, if I want you to know I will tell you." You yell at me from across the table when I innocently inquired what you were talking about and he tells me that you want to go to the dentist. And then you call me up two days after I tell you that we can't be friends demanding to know where I am and what I am doing and ask me if I want to have dinner with you. You tell people what I am doing as though my schedule is yours to decide. When did you become my datebook? Who gave you that fucking authority? And because I feel bad for being mean and saying "no", I call and tell you I can and you spend the entire time throwing a fit in the middle of the road because you banged your shoes into the pavement and the leather chaffed?
And then you ask me how in the hell I can fell insignificant?
I can't do it. I can't. I feel like my insides are being ripped to shreds.
I can't do it. We can not be friends. Why can't you understand that!?
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The thin line between courage and cowardice...
This post deals with sensitive, serious and controversial issues.
I can't believe a story got me to write it... It's been lingering for a couple of weeks... since an episode of House that I saw... but it was the story that finally got me writing it...
It deals with a very serious issue and I don't think anyone who doesn't want to should be subjected to it. I'm not one to hide my demons or myself AND I think might use it as the premise for a future story.
ETA: This is serious... like death.
ETA: If you do choose to read this, please know that I am not in that head-space anymore. I am better. I just needed to unload with all this talk about the issue on TV, in Fan-fiction, music and movies.
*********************************
Why do people kill themselves?
Every time I read about suicide, people around me ask the same question. But I can't because I know why. It might not be the same reason for everyone but I know the feeling. I felt it. I reveled in it once because it was all I had. Like this overwhelming tsunami, it destroys everything that's good. It wasn't just depression or despair it was so much, so much more. A torrential downpour that wipes away everything in its wake.
What kind of coward would do that?
We are remembered as cowards, and maybe to some extent we are. But it also takes a great deal of courage to take your own life, I know, because I couldn't do it. My best-friend knows, because she could.
I can't believe I almost never got to meet her. If her parents hadn't have found her I'd never have been able to shine in her light. Even today her close friends celebrate the day she was in the clear. The day they knew for sure she would live, her 'birthday'. I thank whatever deity exists that brought us into each others lives, because as much as I hated my boarding school, the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with her.
People who say they are going to commit suicide don't do it; The people who don't say it usually do.
A statistical study I once read said that. But it isn't true. I know. My best-friend knows.
I am a survivor.
Will I ever go back there? I don't know. But everyday I work to stay away. Everyday I know I'm better off, I know I am loved and that I can love back. I know that I never want to go back to that place because I know that I will be missed, even if its for a little while. I know I will have brought sorrow to the people whose happiness I would want to do it for in the first place.
Yes, its still a lingering thought. I think that maybe it always will be. But I know now, in this moment, it isn't cowardice that is keeping me from taking that blade, bottle of sleeping pills or even the ledge on the 14th floor. It is courage.
I've been there before. But, I will try my damnest best to keep away, and I know I can do it...
Because if High School at my boarding school didn't tip me over the edge, and I came really really close to doing it again, nothing will. I don't want pity. God knows, I do it enough for the rest of the world and I know that most of people have it a lot worse that I do. All I want is that people know that you can't always know what a person is thinking, behind the smiles and the laughter, nobody did with me, and nobody does with my best-friend. The only thing you can do is treat people with respect and dignity because nobody deserves to feel unworthy or 'less than'.
I can't believe a story got me to write it... It's been lingering for a couple of weeks... since an episode of House that I saw... but it was the story that finally got me writing it...
It deals with a very serious issue and I don't think anyone who doesn't want to should be subjected to it. I'm not one to hide my demons or myself AND I think might use it as the premise for a future story.
ETA: This is serious... like death.
ETA: If you do choose to read this, please know that I am not in that head-space anymore. I am better. I just needed to unload with all this talk about the issue on TV, in Fan-fiction, music and movies.
*********************************
Why do people kill themselves?
Every time I read about suicide, people around me ask the same question. But I can't because I know why. It might not be the same reason for everyone but I know the feeling. I felt it. I reveled in it once because it was all I had. Like this overwhelming tsunami, it destroys everything that's good. It wasn't just depression or despair it was so much, so much more. A torrential downpour that wipes away everything in its wake.
What kind of coward would do that?
We are remembered as cowards, and maybe to some extent we are. But it also takes a great deal of courage to take your own life, I know, because I couldn't do it. My best-friend knows, because she could.
I can't believe I almost never got to meet her. If her parents hadn't have found her I'd never have been able to shine in her light. Even today her close friends celebrate the day she was in the clear. The day they knew for sure she would live, her 'birthday'. I thank whatever deity exists that brought us into each others lives, because as much as I hated my boarding school, the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with her.
People who say they are going to commit suicide don't do it; The people who don't say it usually do.
A statistical study I once read said that. But it isn't true. I know. My best-friend knows.
I am a survivor.
Will I ever go back there? I don't know. But everyday I work to stay away. Everyday I know I'm better off, I know I am loved and that I can love back. I know that I never want to go back to that place because I know that I will be missed, even if its for a little while. I know I will have brought sorrow to the people whose happiness I would want to do it for in the first place.
Yes, its still a lingering thought. I think that maybe it always will be. But I know now, in this moment, it isn't cowardice that is keeping me from taking that blade, bottle of sleeping pills or even the ledge on the 14th floor. It is courage.
I've been there before. But, I will try my damnest best to keep away, and I know I can do it...
Because if High School at my boarding school didn't tip me over the edge, and I came really really close to doing it again, nothing will. I don't want pity. God knows, I do it enough for the rest of the world and I know that most of people have it a lot worse that I do. All I want is that people know that you can't always know what a person is thinking, behind the smiles and the laughter, nobody did with me, and nobody does with my best-friend. The only thing you can do is treat people with respect and dignity because nobody deserves to feel unworthy or 'less than'.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tell Me... (Painting Mumbai Red with Innocent Blood)
Silence gives way to the violent storm,
A premonition that its going to be worse than before,
Crimson stains the walls and the floor,
As people run for cover when the bombs begin to explode.
Tell me did you hear when I yelled?
Did you care when I bled?
Did you hear me pray to the same God?
Hatred fills the empty spaces
When we see them lying broken on the ground
With every bullet we drill the final nail
Into the coffin of love and peace, the things that started it all.
Tell me, did you see who I loved?
Did you love like I did?
Did you hear me cry for help?
Tell me did you care when you shot?
Did you have a purpose?
Or was it all for nothing?
You talk about peace and you talk about wrong
But all the while you hold that gun
You shoot the innocent
Pretending you're better than us.
Why?
A premonition that its going to be worse than before,
Crimson stains the walls and the floor,
As people run for cover when the bombs begin to explode.
Tell me did you hear when I yelled?
Did you care when I bled?
Did you hear me pray to the same God?
Hatred fills the empty spaces
When we see them lying broken on the ground
With every bullet we drill the final nail
Into the coffin of love and peace, the things that started it all.
Tell me, did you see who I loved?
Did you love like I did?
Did you hear me cry for help?
Tell me did you care when you shot?
Did you have a purpose?
Or was it all for nothing?
You talk about peace and you talk about wrong
But all the while you hold that gun
You shoot the innocent
Pretending you're better than us.
Why?
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I'm here now and this is me.
Broken, ridiculed and confused.
Alone, afraid, lost and abused.
I thought i didn't deserve happiness,
To feel free, loved, smile or enjoy
I was ready to give up and be done.
They broke me with their hurtful words.
Like broken-winged, helpless birds;
My reality and faith was blurred.
I didn't run away from the pain
And I couldn't forget even though I forgave.
I fought for me.
I fought to be.
I fought because I knew i'd regret otherwise-
Everything I was, everthing I had
And then I knew I couldn't give up.
To smile and know i'll be alright
Hold my head up with pride,
To be able to smile-
Despite the unbearable pain,
I grew up regardless of what they'd said.
I'm here now and this is me...
- Tanvi Damani
(March 26, 2007)
Alone, afraid, lost and abused.
I thought i didn't deserve happiness,
To feel free, loved, smile or enjoy
I was ready to give up and be done.
They broke me with their hurtful words.
Like broken-winged, helpless birds;
My reality and faith was blurred.
I didn't run away from the pain
And I couldn't forget even though I forgave.
I fought for me.
I fought to be.
I fought because I knew i'd regret otherwise-
Everything I was, everthing I had
And then I knew I couldn't give up.
To smile and know i'll be alright
Hold my head up with pride,
To be able to smile-
Despite the unbearable pain,
I grew up regardless of what they'd said.
I'm here now and this is me...
- Tanvi Damani
(March 26, 2007)
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