Lost a friend...

How do I tell you that you're hurting me? That you make me feel insignificant. That when we talk I feel like I don't exist, and that after we're done, I'm in such emotional pain that I need to cry for hours on end?

How do I tell you... that I don't think we can fix it, that we can't go back to that. Not right now anyhow. Especially not when he's still around? Because when we're with him, its not just the way you make me feel when its just the two of us, but you humiliate me. In public. In front of his friends who don't know either of us. In front of his girlfriend. In front of my friends, who I can't put in the position of choosing between us. Even though they're graduating this semester and leaving me behind... She's my best friend- but I still don't want her to have to chose between us.  And because you're more assertive and pushy and loud and demanding, I will continue to have to hang out with you if I want to see her. Even though I feel like shite afterward.


Why is it that despite me having told you this, you still refuse to acknowledge how I feel- still refuse to accept that I feel a certain way without what I feel being "stupid" or "ridiculous"?

If you hurt me or humiliate me, why should I let you? Especially since the very thing you are humiliating me for is the very think you do repeatedly. "Why are you being nosy? Why do you need to know? You don't need to know! If I have plan with him/her and I want to include you, I will tell you! Stop being so nosy all the time. Nobody likes nosy people. My plans with him/her are my plans with them, why do you have to interfere, if I want you to know I will tell you." You yell at me from across the table when I innocently inquired what you were talking about and he tells me that you want to go to the dentist. And then you call me up two days after I tell you that we can't be friends demanding to know where I am and what I am doing and ask me if I want to have dinner with you. You tell people what I am doing as though my schedule is yours to decide. When did you become my datebook? Who gave you that fucking authority? And because I feel bad for being mean and saying "no", I call and tell you I can and you spend the entire time throwing a fit in the middle of the road because you banged your shoes into the pavement and the leather chaffed?

And then you ask me how in the hell I can fell insignificant?

I can't do it. I can't. I feel like my insides are being ripped to shreds.

I can't do it. We can not be friends. Why can't you understand that!?



This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

The thin line between courage and cowardice...

This post deals with sensitive, serious and controversial issues.

I can't believe a story got me to write it... It's been lingering for a couple of weeks... since an episode of House that I saw... but it was the story that finally got me writing it...

It deals with a very serious issue and I don't think anyone who doesn't want to should be subjected to it. I'm not one to hide my demons or myself AND I think might use it as the premise for a future story.

ETA: This is serious... like death.
ETA: If you do choose to read this, please know that I am not in that head-space anymore. I am better. I just needed to unload with all this talk about the issue on TV, in Fan-fiction, music and movies.

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Why do people kill themselves?

Every time I read about suicide, people around me ask the same question. But I can't because I know why. It might not be the same reason for everyone but I know the feeling. I felt it. I reveled in it once because it was all I had. Like this overwhelming tsunami, it destroys everything that's good. It wasn't just depression or despair it was so much, so much more. A torrential downpour that wipes away everything in its wake.

What kind of coward would do that?

We are remembered as cowards, and maybe to some extent we are. But it also takes a great deal of courage to take your own life, I know, because I couldn't do it. My best-friend knows, because she could.

I can't believe I almost never got to meet her. If her parents hadn't have found her I'd never have been able to shine in her light. Even today her close friends celebrate the day she was in the clear. The day they knew for sure she would live, her 'birthday'. I thank whatever deity exists that brought us into each others lives, because as much as I hated my boarding school, the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with her.

People who say they are going to commit suicide don't do it; The people who don't say it usually do.

A statistical study I once read said that. But it isn't true. I know. My best-friend knows.

I am a survivor.

Will I ever go back there? I don't know. But everyday I work to stay away. Everyday I know I'm better off, I know I am loved and that I can love back. I know that I never want to go back to that place because I know that I will be missed, even if its for a little while. I know I will have brought sorrow to the people whose happiness I would want to do it for in the first place.

Yes, its still a lingering thought. I think that maybe it always will be. But I know now, in this moment, it isn't cowardice that is keeping me from taking that blade, bottle of sleeping pills or even the ledge on the 14th floor. It is courage.

I've been there before. But, I will try my damnest best to keep away, and I know I can do it...

Because if High School at my boarding school didn't tip me over the edge, and I came really really close to doing it again, nothing will. I don't want pity. God knows, I do it enough for the rest of the world and I know that most of people have it a lot worse that I do. All I want is that people know that you can't always know what a person is thinking, behind the smiles and the laughter, nobody did with me, and nobody does with my best-friend. The only thing you can do is treat people with respect and dignity because nobody deserves to feel unworthy or 'less than'.

In a sea of strangers I find myself bereft...

How can someone feel so alone in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students?

How can someone have no real friends in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students even after having lived in 4 different countries?

Recently, I was talking to one of my 'friends' and I told her that I hate being alone... and she turned to me and said "but you seem like a loner". I am not. I know tons of people. I say hi to tons of people. But for some reason I can't find a friend in this sea of strangers. I try. Lord knows, I try. I try to talk to people. I try to hang out with people... "I think I'm too intense and scare people away"... "I can see that" my 'friend' says.

A while before that one of my other 'friends' asked me "How do you deal with being alone all the time? I'd go insane." She had recently broken up with her boyfriend at the time and even though she was always surrounded by her friends who she loves, who adore her. Who want to hang out with her. But because she didn't have more people in this group, she felt alone. I looked at her, the incredulity blatant in my expression, but I answered her anyways. "I don't deal with. Its all I've ever known". and it is. I can go days without any human contact. Nobody other than my parents call me. Nobody ever drops by my room to say "hi" to me. My roommate who doesn't consider anyone who isn't from "back home" her friend, has more friends here than I do.

But its more the question of how. I wish I knew how to do it. I wish that 20 years of being all alone could have taught me how to deal with it. Because even though I don't have friends, I always clung to someone so that I would have at least one person to share my emotional burden with. But what happens where there are miles and miles of metaphorical ocean between them and me, because I, for lack of a better way to put this, force them to be my friend.

Maybe I'm just an epic failure at making friends. Maybe it happened when my life changed in 3rd grade.

The saddest part of the whole thing is that everyone I come into contact with is always telling me how I'm such a fucking nice person anyone would be lucky to have me as their friend. Then why the fuck won't you? I don't want to be nice. I just want one, just one real friend because without even one connection, when I fade, there won't be anyone who will have noticed. Nobody will have cared.

But then again. Maybe that is for the best.

Love, Emotions & Other Frivolous Things

So there's this boy whom I've not met in 4.5 years. He's the first (and probably only, well, other than my BFF (because what I have with my BFF is non-negotiable but I'll accept whatever little I get with him, I love him far too much to lose him over stupid unfounded affections that I might not even feel if I got what I wanted because often with BFFs you see that you might think you're in love with them, but you're better off as friends in the end... yeah, when it doesn't even matter *i know "BAD JOKE"*)) guy I fell in love with,. that I loved him.... and he apologized profusely for hurting me (which he never did, funnily enough)...

of course he'll never know that even after 10 years I'm still in love with him... maybe not as much as I was that day I laid eyes on his haughty smirk as he handed me my notebook in 4th Grade, or when he was knight-in-shining-armour when he was the only kid who spoke to me back then... but then again it has been an awfully long time since I've met him...

In that awfully long time I've forced (yes, FORCED) myself to "fall" in... so i guess... I've jumped in "like" with other people, who found it hilarious to try and break my heart in the worst possible ways. with words, public embarassments, by dating my friends, but breaking their hearts, stalking them, trying to be friendly with me so that I can stalk her for them... errr... TMI!

I've also been in a pseudo-relationship with a psychotically depressed pervert who I ended up dumping because I was "guilted" into the damned relationship in the first place and then I didn't really like him, he wasn't funny, or interesting, or intriguing, he was just a pervert, a high-school drop-out, unemployed loser who spent more time talking about the girl who he wished he had (and whining about himself and shifting blame on me when he hurt me) and still lived with his mother because she payed his car insurance and phone bill.

've had my heart broken a million times because I always jump for people I know will hurt me, even though technically I'm the bitch, because well... it was all in attempt to get over him...

so... yeah... nevermind...

I'm crazy... Ignore me... I have no life. I have no love. I have no emotions, just frivolous things that, well, obviously don't matter....