Broken

Sometimes, a part of me, the angry part of me wishes that he destroy himself in the fire that he lit for himself.

But then, there's a bigger part of me, the part of me that loves him and cares about him that makes me hate myself for thinking something so horrible..

It hurts, and there is nothing I can do to fix it because he is wrapped around little fingers that play him like a puppet, just as they have played many before him and along with him, since he is not the only puppet on the strings those fingers hold.

And for a long while, the part of me that is broken irreparably, the part of me that cries when it is around him, the part of me that is oh-so-very angry and the part of me that knows he doesn't care wished that the two of them would just get together and  destroy each other with such vengeful passion, it scares me- because I believe that is the only outcome for them.

I am hurt, I've made that abundantly clear.

Why is it so easy for people to take me for granted? I'm the friend everyone goes to when all their friends have turned their backs on them. But that's okay, its the story of my life. I wish it wasn't but it is. I'm the back up. The one that doesn't matter. And in the grand scheme of things I don't, but just for once I wish I did. I wish I was the one they came to when things got bad. The one they were excited to share their happiness with and comfortable enough to share their sorrows with. But I'm not. And I suppose that will just have to be okay.

Give him a chance, they say- I have. But yet he has time for the whole world but no time to take the steps to mend this broken friendship. I rescind any right he once had to worry about me- because it is blatantly clear that he doesn't. I'm done with the lies. His words are hollow and his promises count for nothing but more pain. Why must he inflict me with this pain? Was it something I did or said? Was the fact that I cared, so fucking horrifying?

He's going through a lot, they say. Aren't we all? But I only have two months. to fix this. So tell me if I'm wasting my time. Don't take his side. And I don't care if you laugh at my pain. Just tell me that you don't want to try and I will push away. Just stop leaving me hanging. Stop leaving me hopeful and then crushing it with your callousness. Because I'm giving up on hope and I can't do that. I can't afford to do that.
 I CURSE THEE. I CURSE THEE with the pain that I feel because I can barely contain it. Barely hold it together, and the only reason I can is because I know that in a little while longer I will be so far away that it won't matter. That you won't matter anymore.

And that maybe, just maybe, I can start a new life. One without the residual pain of this past.

Why are you doing this?

He's acting so weird.

He's hugging me, rubbing my arm and back in comfort. Before he'd cringe. He'd have died before he touched someone in comfort or let them comfort him.

I don't recognize him.

He asks me if he should change his plans because I asked him if he wanted to do something in the spur of the moment. When I said that it didn't matter, he gave me an alternative option. While not new a new trait, the extent to which he is going is new!

I don't recognize him.

He asked me to go on a walk with him. He NEVER wanted to go on a walk with me before. I'd asked him so many times!


Who is this person?


I don't want you to do me any favors. I don't want you to try to make it better because I'm leaving. I don't need that. I don't need you to be someone you're not. Not for me. I've wished you were different. But I've NEVER tried to change you. Not for me.

It hurts. So much worse than all those other lies.

Is it because He's been telling you what I've been telling him? Because I've been telling him how I'm hurting because of you. Is that why you're acting this way? Being this person I barely recognize?

Is it because you know I've been thinking so much about cutting you out of my life? Is that why?

Or is this just your way of saying goodbye before you cut me out of your life?

But in any case. Talk to me. Because more than all this bullshit touch-happy you, I want to know why. I want the real you. Because that is my best friend.

Starry Skies and Cold Night Air

How can it all fall in place,
When the pieces have
Shattered apart,
Lost in the cracks of a broken humanity?

Each day that we live is a lie,
Each moment too good to be true
We take what we get
and try to move on to a better life.

Thoughts scatter like mice
I'm running without direction
I'm searching for truth
At the price of Salvation

Who am I?
Who are you to tell me
that I'm not enough?
I am.

How can we hold it together?
When words cut like knife blades
Tearing you apart in ways
you never thought were possible?

How can we pick ourselves up?
When we've fallen so low
And been trodden on
So many times before?

Each day that we live is a lie,
Each moment too good to be true
We take what we get
and try to move on to a better life.

Friend Drama

So I've been angry at a few of my friends lately. They like to ignore problems. But that doesn't make me feel any less crappy. And I vent through my poetry, so here goes.

I don't like being lied to. I hate it. If you can't do something- say that. Don't give me bullshit excuses like "I'm too tired" or "I think I want to be alone right now" or even "I have so much stuff to do" and then go hang out with other people. If I know them- chances are I'll find out. And that hurts a lot more than "Oh, I think I want to hang out with so-and-so tonight"...

If you make a new friend- don't tell me that the reason you're friends with them and hang out with them are exact same things I've been telling you/trying to get you to do for months. Especially, when I never see you anymore. That really really really fucking hurt. And I don't even think you know that.

Don't tell me you can't make plans because you always cancel. Because that is bullshit and you know it. "Want to have lunch?" "I can't I usually eat with so-and-so on such-and-such days" ... didn't we make plans like those too? Nice to see that those don't matter to you. Fuck you too.

**************************************
So you’d rather be their friend
Don’t pretend to be mine
I don’t need false promises
Or the protection of a lie

Bullshit to “taking old friends for granted”
Bullshit on the “I’d take a bullet for you”
You say you worry about me,
But that’s just bullshit too.

“She needs a friend”? And I don’t?
Everyone I know is gone.
You were my one of my best friends
But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

You dropped me like a hot pan
As soon as there were others
Well, fuck you, Mr. I-have-no-time
I don’t need you either.

I’m stronger than I seem
I won’t break if I cry
I don’t need your misplace sympathy
Or the comfort of your lie

You weren’t there when I needed you
And you say you don’t need me at all
So why stay in this beatless tango
Of a friendship with no cause.

Because if you really gave a shit
You’d know I’d like to see it
I might not seem like the sentimental kind
But if you’d listened, you’d know better.

I refuse to let you bring me down
Or feel unloved-
Because I have me,
And that is more than enough.

Lost a friend...

How do I tell you that you're hurting me? That you make me feel insignificant. That when we talk I feel like I don't exist, and that after we're done, I'm in such emotional pain that I need to cry for hours on end?

How do I tell you... that I don't think we can fix it, that we can't go back to that. Not right now anyhow. Especially not when he's still around? Because when we're with him, its not just the way you make me feel when its just the two of us, but you humiliate me. In public. In front of his friends who don't know either of us. In front of his girlfriend. In front of my friends, who I can't put in the position of choosing between us. Even though they're graduating this semester and leaving me behind... She's my best friend- but I still don't want her to have to chose between us.  And because you're more assertive and pushy and loud and demanding, I will continue to have to hang out with you if I want to see her. Even though I feel like shite afterward.


Why is it that despite me having told you this, you still refuse to acknowledge how I feel- still refuse to accept that I feel a certain way without what I feel being "stupid" or "ridiculous"?

If you hurt me or humiliate me, why should I let you? Especially since the very thing you are humiliating me for is the very think you do repeatedly. "Why are you being nosy? Why do you need to know? You don't need to know! If I have plan with him/her and I want to include you, I will tell you! Stop being so nosy all the time. Nobody likes nosy people. My plans with him/her are my plans with them, why do you have to interfere, if I want you to know I will tell you." You yell at me from across the table when I innocently inquired what you were talking about and he tells me that you want to go to the dentist. And then you call me up two days after I tell you that we can't be friends demanding to know where I am and what I am doing and ask me if I want to have dinner with you. You tell people what I am doing as though my schedule is yours to decide. When did you become my datebook? Who gave you that fucking authority? And because I feel bad for being mean and saying "no", I call and tell you I can and you spend the entire time throwing a fit in the middle of the road because you banged your shoes into the pavement and the leather chaffed?

And then you ask me how in the hell I can fell insignificant?

I can't do it. I can't. I feel like my insides are being ripped to shreds.

I can't do it. We can not be friends. Why can't you understand that!?



This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

The thin line between courage and cowardice...

This post deals with sensitive, serious and controversial issues.

I can't believe a story got me to write it... It's been lingering for a couple of weeks... since an episode of House that I saw... but it was the story that finally got me writing it...

It deals with a very serious issue and I don't think anyone who doesn't want to should be subjected to it. I'm not one to hide my demons or myself AND I think might use it as the premise for a future story.

ETA: This is serious... like death.
ETA: If you do choose to read this, please know that I am not in that head-space anymore. I am better. I just needed to unload with all this talk about the issue on TV, in Fan-fiction, music and movies.

*********************************

Why do people kill themselves?

Every time I read about suicide, people around me ask the same question. But I can't because I know why. It might not be the same reason for everyone but I know the feeling. I felt it. I reveled in it once because it was all I had. Like this overwhelming tsunami, it destroys everything that's good. It wasn't just depression or despair it was so much, so much more. A torrential downpour that wipes away everything in its wake.

What kind of coward would do that?

We are remembered as cowards, and maybe to some extent we are. But it also takes a great deal of courage to take your own life, I know, because I couldn't do it. My best-friend knows, because she could.

I can't believe I almost never got to meet her. If her parents hadn't have found her I'd never have been able to shine in her light. Even today her close friends celebrate the day she was in the clear. The day they knew for sure she would live, her 'birthday'. I thank whatever deity exists that brought us into each others lives, because as much as I hated my boarding school, the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with her.

People who say they are going to commit suicide don't do it; The people who don't say it usually do.

A statistical study I once read said that. But it isn't true. I know. My best-friend knows.

I am a survivor.

Will I ever go back there? I don't know. But everyday I work to stay away. Everyday I know I'm better off, I know I am loved and that I can love back. I know that I never want to go back to that place because I know that I will be missed, even if its for a little while. I know I will have brought sorrow to the people whose happiness I would want to do it for in the first place.

Yes, its still a lingering thought. I think that maybe it always will be. But I know now, in this moment, it isn't cowardice that is keeping me from taking that blade, bottle of sleeping pills or even the ledge on the 14th floor. It is courage.

I've been there before. But, I will try my damnest best to keep away, and I know I can do it...

Because if High School at my boarding school didn't tip me over the edge, and I came really really close to doing it again, nothing will. I don't want pity. God knows, I do it enough for the rest of the world and I know that most of people have it a lot worse that I do. All I want is that people know that you can't always know what a person is thinking, behind the smiles and the laughter, nobody did with me, and nobody does with my best-friend. The only thing you can do is treat people with respect and dignity because nobody deserves to feel unworthy or 'less than'.

In a sea of strangers I find myself bereft...

How can someone feel so alone in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students?

How can someone have no real friends in a world of over 6 billion people, country of over 300 million people and a school that has over 150 thousand students even after having lived in 4 different countries?

Recently, I was talking to one of my 'friends' and I told her that I hate being alone... and she turned to me and said "but you seem like a loner". I am not. I know tons of people. I say hi to tons of people. But for some reason I can't find a friend in this sea of strangers. I try. Lord knows, I try. I try to talk to people. I try to hang out with people... "I think I'm too intense and scare people away"... "I can see that" my 'friend' says.

A while before that one of my other 'friends' asked me "How do you deal with being alone all the time? I'd go insane." She had recently broken up with her boyfriend at the time and even though she was always surrounded by her friends who she loves, who adore her. Who want to hang out with her. But because she didn't have more people in this group, she felt alone. I looked at her, the incredulity blatant in my expression, but I answered her anyways. "I don't deal with. Its all I've ever known". and it is. I can go days without any human contact. Nobody other than my parents call me. Nobody ever drops by my room to say "hi" to me. My roommate who doesn't consider anyone who isn't from "back home" her friend, has more friends here than I do.

But its more the question of how. I wish I knew how to do it. I wish that 20 years of being all alone could have taught me how to deal with it. Because even though I don't have friends, I always clung to someone so that I would have at least one person to share my emotional burden with. But what happens where there are miles and miles of metaphorical ocean between them and me, because I, for lack of a better way to put this, force them to be my friend.

Maybe I'm just an epic failure at making friends. Maybe it happened when my life changed in 3rd grade.

The saddest part of the whole thing is that everyone I come into contact with is always telling me how I'm such a fucking nice person anyone would be lucky to have me as their friend. Then why the fuck won't you? I don't want to be nice. I just want one, just one real friend because without even one connection, when I fade, there won't be anyone who will have noticed. Nobody will have cared.

But then again. Maybe that is for the best.

Void...

Emptiness....

It feels like nothing. It feels like... nothing. I want to replace it with something... anything. I feel like I can't breathe because of it. Its suffocating me in its nothingness and I can't seem to do anything about it. I don't know what I'm doing but I need to so something before I'm in over my head. I dug my nails into my arm today. It helped. I felt something lift that invisible weight that seems to be crushing down on my chest. But I don't see myself going down that road. I don't want to. It is self-destructive. What if eventually my nails aren't enough? Self-mutilation is extreme, even for me.

But I can't live like this. I can't live with a great big hole inside of me. I can't live with such emptiness. With this invisible gas that is choking my lungs, making it hard to breathe, to see, to feel,... to be.

My head is spinning. I can't catch myself. I feel like I've been on a carousel at warp speed for the last 20 years of my life. Everything is a blur. I didn't make a difference. I didn't matter. I don't matter.

Who are we? WHAT are we? Figments of someone's overactive imagination, a story about unnamed characters and unforeseeable plots. A story with grammatical and punctuational errors. An error. A half bent staple pin and crumpled papers. A rainbow with no color and gruesome fairy tales. Who are we? and what are we doing here?

Is not knowing emptiness? or are voids just stories that haven't been written yet.

I'm empty. I'm broken and I don't know what to do about it.

I can't breathe and when I try I choke and die a million deaths...

Why is it?

hollow silence.

Rejected...

Haha... So I auditioned for a mediocre Acapella group yesterday... I sucked ass... So I got rejected...

I don't know how I feel about it. Relieved? Upset? I feel far too many contradictory emotions all at once. I wasn't really sure I wanted to audition anyways. But just the fact that I got rejected sort of messed me up. I think it was the scales and repeating whatever she played that threw me off my game. I sort of knew I'd be rejected. I knew it from their faces after I'd finished singing... maybe I sung songs that were too sappy or opera-y... I don't know. But I'm kind of glad I didn't get it. They said I was pitchy. Oh well. Whatever! Back to skypecasts for me... people actually ask me to marry them there.... :-P But then again that could be because some of the other people there are so terrible you need to mute your speakers for a while.

Anyways, such is life, rejection is just another 1000 rungs on the ladder of success, and I've been rejected 500+ times anyways, so I'm that much closer to success!! :D so Cheers to all the troopers who stick it out and face the day with renewed vigor and Cheers to all of those troopers who are amushed and stamped on and still find the will to stand up.

Edit: September 10th, 2008: So... According to the girl who auditioned after me, to whom I thought I'd lost the audition, they weren't really looking for new recruits... and it was just the formality of having to go through the whole audition process at the beginning of the year... Gosh, they could have just said, I wouldn't have wasted my precious time!! Losers!

Where are we?

There's never been reason for me to be ecstatic. There's never been reason for me to be depressed either. I live in a state of blissful delusions of a life I think I'm living, ignorance is bliss, if you chose to ignore things that upset you you're inevitably left with nothing but happiness. What is that happiness worth though? one that forgoes all emotion that one has felt in all their lifetime. Experiences make us who we are, blocking them out doesn't give us the chance or the opportunity to grow as we should. We should be happy and grateful for all that we do have since many others don't even have that. Things can only get better if we want them to. So let go of what's holding you back and holding you down and move forward. This is your revolution your evolution; make of it what you will.

Crawling Under My Skin...

There isn't a day that passes that I wish I wasn't dead. Everyday ends on a sour note. Everyday I wish I'd just die already. Everyday the thought of consuming a bottle full of Vicodin or Valium Every time that I look at, or talk to someone they are hurt. I am a hurtful person and I don't like it. My family is the first of all that I hurt. Everything I say and do hurts them. The fact that I can't trust them hurts me, and inevitably it hurts them. I'm the bane of everyone's existence. A big fat unwanted blotch on the face of humanity. Some would call it self-pity. I call it self-preservation. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to be me. Experiences make you who you are and I am what I am, accept me the way I am and don't expect me to change! I love you the way you are. I love you regardless of what you say and what you do. If you think hurting me emotionally is going to bring down those carefully constructed impenetrable walls that I've put up around my heart, you're wrong. It'll only reinforce my frigidness towards life and all that I believe in letting go. Yes, the past haunts me. Yes, it affects my decisions and my life. No, it does NOT make me unhappy or resentful. I believe in love and second-chances. I believe in miracles even though I'm not quite certain about a certain supernatural force, I am willing to believe in all that is good in the world and trust that the world is a better place.

I'm not suicidal, not in the least. I do occasionally wish I were dead, but don't we all at some point of time or the other? I'm too cowardly to take my own life and too brave to commit suicide. I'm a paradox of paradoxes. But death intrigues me and it is crawling under my very skin, burning my insides as it slithers through and permeates my blood....

Changes....

Change is inevitable... between the smallest increment of time... from the moment i started writing till the time i finish. Change is unavoidable. Sometimes it doesn't go with the plan you had for yourself and sometimes you couldn't be happier because of the change.

Love changes, relationships change, friendships change, people changes, times change, feelings change, looks change, attitudes change, hate changes, landscapes change, winds change, enormity changes... everything... inevitably changes...

It's easier to ignore changes than to accept them if they're not in your favour, but accepting a change is the easiest way to get over it. In the complexites of the crux of the situation, change is always for the good. it makes you stronger, it tests you and it sets you off on a new page or chapter in your life.

They are also never easy- these changes. Many times a change in one aspect of life leads to changes in other aspects, and so many changes can never be easy...

Grasping onto the frayed edges of what was would leave you in denial of life and existence... leaving a person who was once full of vivacious energy, hollow and forgotten in time..

It time for change, accept it and move on...

Listening to: Elsewhere - Sarah McLachlan,
If Your Missing (Come On Home) - Bethany Joy Lenz (One Tree Hill)

There's Gotta Be More To Life...

Routines. Day in. Day out.
We wake up with a plan, we go to sleep with one. On a subconscious level we all do it, yes, even me, the evasive one.... it's hard not to, even if the plan is to just laze about and not do anything....

There's got to be more to life than the monotonous cycles we live in. More to it than just you and me and work. It's not as simple, but there's got to be, there just has!

Is our existence as meaningless as we structure it? If it is, I don't see the point in continuing or standing in the sidelines waiting for something to affect our "lives".